I am laying on my stomach--with this lumpy carpet embedded in my knees and elbows, my ribs about to pierce my skin and my spine flat against my stomach--in my room that's so empty it sort of echos. It feels like I'm moving in all over again, only to move out in about six weeks. But the fresh paint is nice. And it's late. It's 12:43 AM on a week night and I'm up way too late for the nth time in a row. But the late and the quiet is nice.

And, you know, I've never been so excited for the future as I am in this moment.

Everything just feels right.

I just want to lay here, breathing in and out while the minutes tick away. I want to hear the air conditioning turn on and off, listening to this place breathe. I want to soak this up now, write it in my bones. This is everything pausing, gathering, aligning. This is life making sense. This is me feeling whole. This is peace, and it's sinking in my bones.

How things change

I’ve been gone for three weeks. And ya know, everything’s changed.

And not in the way that my skin has been seriously kissed by the sun, or the way the mold has creeped onto my bedroom ceiling.

But things have changed in the way where bonds are broken and you finally sit up and realize you’ve been sleep walking. And it’s not half bad and only half as painful as I thought it’d be. And if I had to guess, I’d say this is what growing up and letting go really feels like.

I’m still young and I still haven’t figured everything out. But I have up to this point straight and all the twists made sense of. I can close this chapter and step out into the next one.

It’s like those moments when you realize everything every mother, father, aunt or uncle, older sibling, grandparent, and well-meaning adult said was true. It’s that moment in the car or the kitchen or the fast-food restaurant, where your mother listened to your heartache speak or your dad bought you ice cream to drown your sorrows, and all they had to say was some pitiful piece of advice about time and moving on. And they’re right.

Some things you’re better off without and some things are meant to be only memories and dust and a souvenir in the bottom of your sock drawer. And right now it might be painful, but I promise, someday it will be smiles.

Because you never truly forget, as in “forgive and forget”. But breathing gets easier and pain gets lighter just like bruises heal. You won’t forget the painful things, but they’ll never be quite as sharp as they are now, and they’ll no longer cloud the happy things. But maybe they’ll fade so much you will forget, and all you’ll remember is smiles.

And that’s how everything changes.

Moments like these

I'm sitting in my bed with my three youngest siblings. Everyone's exhausted after a weekend of "partying," so we're having a snuggle time. They're curled up together with my pillows and blankets. The blinds are closed. The only sounds are breathing, my typing, and a playlist of This Will Destroy You and Explosions In The Sky. It's dark and it's peaceful. I think I could take a nap right now, too.

These are the moments I wish I could capture on film or paper or canvas. But the only sure way to capture them is in my heart.

It's moments like these that make me realize how much I love my siblings. It's moments like these that make me realize how much I'll miss my family next year. It's moments like these that pull at my heartstrings and make me realize how much I want to be a mom someday.

Blank

She looked around herself. Everything was blank. The wall at her back was blank, the carpet was blank, even the light streaming through the window seemed blank. A brown box sat in front of her; her laptop sat on top of the box. Notes squeezed themselves out of the speakers and into the blank air. A pillow and a couple of blankets heaped themselves in a corner.
Everything was new and different, here. This was her blank slate. The minute she stepped foot inside this room she wanted to bottle it up and send it home. She wanted to pluck bits and pieces of her surroundings and herself like flowers--and maybe he would put the bouquet on his table. Maybe he'd understand. She wanted so much for him to know. She wanted to share this.
She soaked everything up with wide eyes, open lungs, hungry stomach, and outstretched hands. That was the only way to face life, she figured. She tried to face this change with the mind of a child. She wished so badly that she could pull him out of her pocket, let him see through her eyes. Everything is better when shared.
She saw moments and building blocks. She saw growth and life. She saw love. She saw with love. She loved this place. She loved him.
She didn't understand the kind of restart this blankness would bring. She didn't realize that there was no way for him to understand. This was her time to breathe, her time to fill herself with everything she saw, heard, touched, and smelled.
She sits with her back to the same blank wall, and she looks across the same blank carpet, and the light through her window is still blank. The blankets in the corner are replaced with a bed and the box was emptied onto shelves. Sometimes the old desire to send back bits of herself still arises, and sometimes she breathes and sees as if for two. But she knows the reality is that this is all for her. He won't see it, hear it, touch it, smell it. She can't say that this is what she wanted. She can't say that this is where she thought she was going. But she can say that this is hers, and hers only. Some things must be left unshared.

Jesus calling

I want to share something.

The Bible is kind of dry, isn't it? Or at least that's what it seems like. I've never been able to just read the Bible. I've never been able to actually complete a Bible study. Ever.

For graduation I was given this little book: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Sarah has taken things from her own prayer journal, things she felt God told her in her quiet times with him, and has made a book with a little devotion for every day of the year. She writes as if God is speaking directly to the reader. While what she writes isn't directly from the Bible, she always has a few verses to back up what she's saying.

I started reading this book, Jesus Calling, on my plane ride to Texas a couple weeks ago. I couldn't have picked a better time to pick up this book. I started reading with the entry for May 25; this is what Sarah wrote:

"The world is too much with you, My child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you.

When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings." 

I was hooked. I read the entries for the 26th and the 27th, too (it was actually the 27th that day), and read the verses that went with the entries. But I still didn't feel satisfied. I flipped open my Bible to the New Testament and just started reading. I think I read three whole books in half an hour. I never read my Bible like that. For some reason, I decided to put down my Bible and pick up another book I had with me (Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer), but it didn't hold my attention as well. It felt stiff, boring, forced, unreal, dry, and maybe even unnecessary. Foer does have a unique writing style that's a little different to read, but I don't think that was why I couldn't get through the book.

Reading Jesus Calling has changed a little something in me: it's revived me, I think. I was talking with my best friend, Taylor, yesterday; she brought up her own spiritual life, and it made me stop for a minute and think about my own. I told her of where I was pre-Jesus Calling, just more than a week before, "I just realized I had taken a pit stop and never got moving again." And it's true. At the end of April and beginning of May youth group activities were starting to die down; I went out of town; then youth group officially ended, as did worship practice. I had no reason for seeing any of my small group girls outside of church. I went out of town again. I actually didn't want to go to church yesterday morning. I was feeling drained and everything spiritual felt like work.

After seeing some of my girls, making plans for coffee this week, and talking about the zumba class we're starting together, I was feeling a little revived again. I feel like I underrate the genuine love, support, and overall life that fellowship with this group of women gives me. I'm going to miss them next year when I'm at college.

But back to the point: I felt like reading my Bible, going to church, and spending time with God was a homework assignment, it wasn't fun; I did it more out of obligation than out of love. I feel like Jesus Calling is changing that, bit by bit. And I feel like being able to see my girls--even if it's to work out--is going to greatly help, too.

Summer, baby

I have spent a grand total of 13 days home in the last month--I love it! I graduated, I surprised my cousin, Becca, for her graduation, and then in little more than a week I'll be heading out for my cousin Sara's wedding. I'm loving all of this traveling; I hate sitting still!

My wall is finally almost built. My parents and I finished insulating it, and my dad is currently putting up the sheetrock. All that's left after that is taping, mudding, and painting! (And I already have the paint!)

Thursday I start zumba classes with my girls. Tomorrow I start P90X with my sister. And I'm hoping to start running a little bit again. I am going to be sore beyond belief, but it'll feel great and look good!

I came home from my most recent trip and all of my family said I looked tan--I love it! It makes me feel summery!

I got a new swimsuit, a new fedora, and replaced my last set of aviators (RIP). My toms also finally came in the mail. I love getting new clothing or accessories, it makes everything feel so fresh and revived.

I am feeling the spirit of summer! The things I love about this time of year are the sunshine, the heat (yes, I said it, I love the heat, even in Texas!), the cute swimsuits and clothes, the ability to travel all over the place, and the feeling of rejuvenation that is unique to summer. I can feel revived anytime of the year, but there's something special about summer's feeling that nothing else can top.

I'm feeling especially new this summer, with high school behind me and college in front of me. And I'm feeling like doing something a little daring: I'm thinking I'm going to get my cartilage pierced. I'm also thinking about chopping my hair off again, but that might wait another year, we'll see. If I don't chop it, you can bet I'll be coloring it: turquoise is the color of choice this time, I think, which might mean a little bit of bleaching, too. We'll see.

Here goes summer 2011, baby!

Late night list

• Epiphanies at 1:40 AM
• "But ghosts never turn into tangible things"
• Promises to myself
• Healing, it's been a long time coming
• A change in the wind, I hope

My grad speech

"I thought I wouldn't cry..."

It's been a year since I've been here. It's funny how time sneaks up on you, isn't it? I've just finished my second semester of senior year and consequently the last semester of my high school career. Around me is the clutter of 18 years of existence. That's crazy, isn't it? To think, this is only the beginning. We think it's an end--an end to high school, and end to familiarity and comfort in our parents' home, a slow end to our dependence on our parents, an end to friendships--the point is, it always feels like an end. It's only the beginning. On average we have about 60.4 more years; we've only lived about a quarter of our lives. I've only lived about a quarter of my life. Yet I think it's an end. Is there ever an end? The world doesn't end, there is no edge, you know.

To start this very long end to my life, I'm going to Dickinson College, whose mascot is a Red Devil. This mascot came from a football game, where Dickinson's team just would not give up. They pushed and they fought. They were devils to play.

I want to be that devil. I want to push and fight and never give up. That's exactly what I do. I set goals and I reach them. And you know what? I'm going to rule the world. Forget about the small things, I'm dreaming big.

My counselor asked me what I want to do with my life. I answered, "Everything." Do you hear me? Everything. That's daunting and exhilarating. I can't think of a better way to spend my life than doing everything. Do they have a degree for that? No, of course not. To do "everything" you have to become a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist, an artist. a businessman, a banker, a teacher...you have to be specific, you have to narrow it down, and you have to say, "I will do everything, right here." I don't want to. I want to do everything there is to do in every field possible. I want to travel, I want to teach, I want to open a bakery, I want to be an artist, I want to be a mother, I want to make a movie, I want to write a book, I want to release an album, I want to play with an orchestra, I want to take pictures of everything. I want, I want, I WANT.

"We have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and be loved," said Mother Teresa.

I want to live in a way and do things that mean something.

But what happened to just living life and being happy? Not everything can be thought out with an impact crater the size of the moon. I don't think great people try to be great people; they just try to be people. People that push and never give up. People that love. And you know what? They get what they want, don't they? Especially when what they want lines up with what God wants.

Maybe it's not about making every stomach full, or curing cancer, or making the perfect government. Yes, those are great goals, but great goals aren't fulfilled overnight. It takes many drops to fill an ocean, moving multiple pebbles to move a mountain. It's doing something small--teaching a classroom of oblivious students, inviting the lonely kid to hang out,making a meal for someone incapable of doing so for him or herself--small things that make a difference.

"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop." I like quoting Mother Teresa.

Do you hear that? The world would be less without us. You, me, all of us were put here for a reason; we all have our pebble to move and our drop to fill.

So I stand before the blank canvas the world has opened up to me, with my paints in my hand, and I am going to paint the most fantastic thing this world has ever seen. I will take the world by storm.

I will do everything because, honestly, why settle for less?



We try to mark things linearly with mile markers and obvious signs and posts. Life isn't like that, though, life is like tree rings.  We don't look at trees and say, "Oh, that tree just got a new ring!" No, we don't see the effects of rain and sun until much later; we see it in the height of a tree from one season to the next, or in the rings when the tree is cut down. Human life is the same way, we change gradually. It's not until we've gone through a growing season that we realize how tall we are, or until we're dead that others realize how old we are, so to speak.

I am a tree just out a growing season right now, and I feel I need to thank my sun and rain.

I need to thank my parents for raising and teaching my; Dawn McLendon for teaching, mentoring, and inspiring me to be the best I can; my grandparents for encouraging me and giving bits of wisdom; Eric for saying, "I told you so," when I succeeded; all my aunts and uncles for standing by me; my cousins, siblings, and friends for letting me bend their ears; and every person I've ever come in contact with for influencing me in all the small ways.

I am taller, stronger, straighter, more independent, fiery, passionate, kind, loving, understanding, trusting, careful, brave, and even a little bit rebellious because of every one of you. It is because of you that I aim high and don't settle for less.

Graduation

Graduation was nothing like I expected. I expected to feel out of place--I hadn't met two of my fellow graduates, and hadn't seen the other 5 in almost a year. Yet, I couldn't have made the night much better.

I spent the night before at my best friend's house. I also spent most of Saturday with her, too, because we haven't seen each other in so long. Somehow, we thought it would be a good idea to be outside for a couple hours before the ceremony. Well, I got a little sunburned. Oops.

After the burning, while we were getting ready to meet my family at our hotel, I realized I'd be graduating in 3 hours. Yikes. But it still wasn't real to me.

I started really freaking out when I was going over my speech about twenty minutes before the ceremony. I was pacing and reading, scribbling and highlighting.

I circled up to pray with the other graduates, and then we lined up to walk in. Since we were ordered by last name, I was next to last. That meant I had 6 slideshows and speeches to sit, hyperventilate, and stress through. And I nearly did all that. I was on the verge of tears during a couple speeches given by parents, but I always pulled myself back from the edge. But there was nothing stopping the floodgates from breaking when my slideshow started.

For the last year I've been working towards this moment; for the last semester I've been hyper aware of the impending doom. The last week has been unreal, driving across the country, seeing old hang outs and friends. It felt like I had never left, like nothing had changed. But something had. We had all grown through another year. Graduation--the thing we've looked forward to since who-knows-when--was here, real.

It hit me when the pictures started showing that this wasn't a practice, this wasn't a dream: I'd reached my goal. We'd reached our goal. I was almost bawling.

I got up afterwards, and gave my speech. "I thought I wouldn't cry at my graduation," I said through my tears and laughter. I hate public speaking, and I was shaking and trying to keep from crying, while trying to balance on four inch heels. But everyone I talked to later complimented that speech. I passed my tears on to several others through my words.

The party afterwards was the best party I've ever been to. I was blessed with the presence of lots of my nearest, dearest family and friends. I couldn't have asked for a better night or better graduating class (good luck to our predecessors, you'll have a hard time following that act I think).

I'm sitting in bed at a hotel 4 hours away from that small town--the town I thought I could do without, the town that I had second thoughts about returning to. But now, all I want is to go back. We're being scattered to the ends of the earth, and who knows when we'll all meet again. Life is changing, and fast. We're growing up and out and moving and shaping the world. All I want right now is to go back, though. To go back and hug the necks of the people I love, and never let go. To go back and see their faces more than once a year. To take back all the times I took for granted.

Now, we have the promise of never going back and always moving forward. We have potential in our lungs and determination in our feet. We have love in our hands and strength in our hearts. We will never look back, only forward. And it's never "good bye," or even "see you later," but always "see you soon" because we will see each other soon.

Don't get me wrong

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. But sometimes I can't see past the splattered bug guts to the road ahead, and sometimes I can't believe things will get better when they've always been the same. And I'm hopeful, but sometimes I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I have faith, but sometimes I can't believe what I can't see or touch.

Home

I'm home. Well, I'm in my old home. I'm not sure where home is anymore. I live in a house, and that's sort of my home. I go to church, and that's sort of home. I sit with my friends, and that's yet another sort of home.

Somehow, I thought this home was different in a way that mattered. I expected something to be changed, but everything's the same. The town is the same, the people are mostly the same. It's like I never left. And in some ways, that's good. But in others, I don't know what to do with it. I'm staring and unable to comprehend and I'm confused and I'm almost hurt.

Why would I expect anything to change?

Sometimes I feel young

Sometimes I feel young--what am I saying? I am still young.
But sometimes I feel young and afraid.
I'm afraid of all the world has to offer: the good and the bad.
I'm afraid of missing something.
I'm afraid of not doing the beauty justice.
I'm afraid.
And my fear has manifested itself in a fear of leaving the familiar in order to take on the unfamiliar.
I am afraid of my fear.
Sometimes I feel young and awed.
I'm awed by all the world has to offer: the good and the bad.
I'm awed by all the things I'll miss and the things I won't.
I'm awed by the beauty and the wonder.
I'm awed.
And my awe has manifested itself in my fears.
Sometimes I feel young and alive.
I'm alive in this beautiful, wonderful, fearful, complicated world.

I had to make a post about these...

Graduation is in a little more than 9 days and we drive away in 5 days. I'm so excited and anxious that I decided to start packing. If you know me, you know that I love clothes and putting together outfits. So, packing took up a large part of my afternoon. I'll probably wash laundry tomorrow and be done with packing (aside from last-minute things, like my toothbrush).

I have these wonderful leather Michael Kors sandals that I got the summer of 2008 or 2009. I wore them to death. They're still wearable, actually, except for the fact that one of the straps broke last summer. Those sandals would look absolutely adorable with so many outfits that I'm packing for this trip--well, really, with almost every outfit for this summer. I mentioned these sandals and their terrible demise to a friend, and she told me of a cobbler that could probably fix them for me. What's my wonderful mother going to do tomorrow? Take my sandals to the cobbler to see if we can get them fixed! Yay!

Buuutt, on the off chance that they have to meet the trash can (that will NOT happen, I will have them remade or something, I love them too much), I decided to search for replacement sandals. These are my finds, thus far:

{I LOVE lace/crocheted things right now!}

{Beautiful!!}

I might just have to get one of these regardless of the fate of my old favorites! I'd definitely get the crocheted ones, if that's the case, since the second pair is the same color as my current pair.

And now I should get back to my homework. This is going to be difficult, now that sandals and sunshine and summer are on my mind!

I want to make you feel

I want to make people feel. I want to tear open their skin and get their hearts pumping. I want to touch them in a way that awakens their souls like never before. I want to make you ache how I ache, cry when I cry, love what I love. I want you to read my words until their imprinted in the back of your eyes, and I want you to dream of my paintings at night. I want you to wonder at the world with me, see the things that I see. I want to give you my hands, my eyes, and my ears. I want everything to shine like gold--even the rusty, old things. I want you to breathe magic and bleed love. I want to have you in my hands like putty, to change the way you see the world.

These feelings

I know these feelings--the feeling of defeat before you even begin, the feeling of being in a whirlpool, the feeling of being stuck, the feeling of wanting to give up already--I met them in November. They aren't nice feelings. They make life difficult, make engaging the world tiresome, and make the whole world look grey. I am not a grey person. I am vibrant. I am strong. I am happy. I am not going back to a dull, dead world. I don't want to be sucked in again.

I think it's change, or impending change, that does this to me. It happened when I moved here, then felt alone and defeated by everything. It's happening now, when I'm 12 days away from graduating (albeit 4 weeks from finishing classes), with mountains of due-dates for homework looming in front of me, with college drawing nearer and nearer, and other little changes occurring.

I thought I was doing alright with everything, until I realized that my big paper for economics (that I've known about all semester) is due on Friday--and I still hadn't started it. Then I realized that I had a French paper due on April 30th--and didn't have enough time to finish it before the deadline. Then I realized--at 1:00 this morning--that I was supposed to be giving a presentation in French class today, when I thought it was next week. And guess what? I hadn't made the presentation yet. I didn't sleep well last night because of that presentation.

I emailed my teacher, Madame S, this morning when I woke up, and she kindly moved my presentation to next week instead of giving me the big ol' zero I probably deserve. I still haven't submitted my paper from the 30th, but she gave me an extension for that as well, though I didn't ask. My economics paper is only 4 pages long, double spaced. I'm ahead on all other economics homework. I don't have anywhere to go today. It's warm(er) and a little sunny this afternoon. I'm wearing a new romper. My laundry is clean. I got 100% on the spoken part of my French test today. I got a lovely card in the mail from some friends that brightened my morning, even though it's to say they can't attend my graduation. My desk area is a little bit more organized. And Manchester Orchestra's new album, Simple Math, is available for streaming. Which makes up a little for not being able to go to their show on Friday.

Don't let yourself get defeated before you begin. It isn't worth it. Keep your chin up. It's a good day.

State of my life

Let's be honest: I am entirely aggravated and frustrated and just can't bring myself to care.

I have a paper for French that's due at midnight tonight--one of our monthly "projects"--that I forgot about until today. I have a presentation to go with it in 2 weeks. I don't have enough research done. It most likely won't be turned in on time. I can't even care right now. Plus, I'm "teaching" the 3-year-old Sunday school class tomorrow for the first time during the early service at church, and I have to be up early, which plays into the likelihood that my paper won't be in on time (or: I need sleep).

I am really frustrated with some people and situations in my life right now. I've been sitting on this one for awhile, thinking it would go away eventually, that the kinks would work themselves out, but they just haven't. In fact, I think it's safe to say I've gotten more annoyed and frustrated. And you know what? I'm beginning to rethink all of this--this particular situation.

I feel like Jack Sparrow's line in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is a pretty good summary of me right now:

"Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?"

[A couple people raise their hands]

"I'm standing over there with them."

 Except, I'm not sure who to stand with. Everyone talks, but not everyone walks. Sometimes, though, all you have to go on is talking, which makes it hard to believe any words at all.

Celebratory dance

I just got the last of my blood test results back today. And--drum roll please!

I'm 100% healthy!

The rheumatologist was right when he said, "You're just naturally a smurf!" And of course, all the swelling in my hand started going away as soon as I started seeing doctors and getting poked by needles. Hopefully it stays away, now.

This is such a huge relief to not only me, but everyone that's been praying, worrying, and hoping along with me. Maybe it's not the biggest problem in the world, but this has been kind of stressful for me. Thank you for all of your prayers and concern!

Now: little celebratory dance!

The end is in sight.

The end is in sight: only 1.5 more chapters in French 2, only 2.5 more chapters in Economics, only 8 more cases in Constitutional Law, only one more homework assignment in Government 2, and all four finals. In two weeks I'll be starting the drive to get to graduation. I graduate in 18 days. Half of the time I'm incredibly empowered to just get it all done; the other half I think, "Oh, it'll be over soon enough, no problem" and shrug it all off.

I'm so overwhelmed, excited, happy, and torn.

Letter to myself

My counselor told me back in December or January to write a letter from myself at that point to myself in May. He wanted me to figure out who I wanted to be by May, write it down, and open it again when that month rolled around. "But," he said. "You can't write it in May--that doesn't count."
The problem though, was that I had no idea who on earth I wanted to be, or even really who I was at that point. It's taken me until now--almost May--to figure out the general things I want out of myself and out of life. Here is my letter:


Dear Georgia,

You have always wanted to be strong for others, you have often been strong when someone needed you, and you are strong. But don't be so strong that you can't be weak. Be willing to let others carry you for a little bit, lean on someone's shoulder and cry. If I've learned anything these past 9 months, it's that crying is good for you. Sarah Kay wrote in her poem "Point B" that "no matter how wide you stretch your fingers your hands will never be big enough to catch all the heartache." And it's true. So let it slip between your outstretched palms and cry it out. Then go for a run, take a hot shower, read a book, and write in your journal. Call up a steady ear or go to coffee with a pair of understanding eyes. Don't hold it all in.

Be independent, but not so solid on your own two feet that you never let anyone in. It's nice to have someone to depend on once in awhile. Just don't be clingy like static-filled sock. No one likes to find a sock stuck to their jeans, shirt, or jacket out of the dryer. So don't be that sock.

Be patient. You will forever face lessons in patience in this life, so you might as well learn quickly. Be kind. A little kindness never hurt anyone. Be hopeful. There will be a dawn, a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it gets. Be honest. No one likes a liar, and no one likes being jerked around. Be hard-working. Your own sweat and ideas will pay off, and nothing feels better than knowing you did that with your own two hands.

Be full of love. This world will knock you down again and again until you're hopeless and coughing up blood. You will want to close yourself off time and again, but don't you dare. Don't you dare lose hope; don't you dare lose faith; don't you dare lose love. Because love will come around and brush you off, rooting for you; love is in your corner.

Be the ear that listens, the hands that hold, the arms that hug, the legs that would walk the earth, and the eyes that understand. Speak only when you need to and choose your words wisely.

Never underestimate the power of silence. Silence with yourself gives you time to think; silence with another gives you space to appreciate; silence with God lets you hear (or maybe grow cold, depending on the kind of silence); space after a fight gives you time to clear your mind before apologizing (always apologize)--but if you're silent too long you could make yourself seem uncaring. Silence is good and bad. Don't be afraid of it, but don't abuse it.

Be confident. As long as you have confidence in your closet, you can pull almost anything off. Never be the doormat. Stand up for what you believe. Be the voice for those that can't speak. Always treat people as you would want to be treated.

Don't get stuck in your ways; get used to change--it's always occurring. Be willing to learn. Always look at the world with the wonder of a child and the wisdom of an adult.

Create, create, create. Always take time to read. Never forget to tell people you love them. Take advantage of the moments you have, because you never know when you'll run out of time.

Fill your lungs with air, your heart with love, your mind with ideas, and step foot into the world. Be brave, be solid, be willing to ask for help. Forgive, always.

Never forget who you are. Never be someone you aren't.

Love,
Georgia

Small stories of April 23, 2011

I hate spiders, okay? But I can deal with them if they stay out of my way. In fact, I had a fairly large daddy long-leg (yeah, not technically a spider, I  know) that was living in the corner by the ceiling of my bathroom for a couple weeks that I just left alone. I have one living between studs in my partially-built bedroom wall. They're out of my way and I'll let them be as long as they leave me in peace.

But today one spider went wayyyy too far out of it's "okay" zone. I opened my shower door this morning (to take a shower, of course) and there's a HUGE daddy long-leg sitting in it's web, attached to the door. I moved its web by opening the door, so of course it starts freaking out. I jumped backwards, bolted out the door and up the stairs, screaming. My heroic 14-year-old brother comes to save the day, of course. What does he do? Smash it? No. He gets a box, catches the dang thing, and puts it right outside the door to the garage. Way to aggravate the girl that's already convulsing from the thought of spiders, alone.

Anyways. I'm feeling like a grandma today, because my workout from Thursday is still making my hips hurt. I was sitting with my legs curled up under me this afternoon, tried to get up, and realized that I couldn't stand up straight from the pain. Of course, I couldn't go on my bike ride today because all of the bikes that are big enough for me have flat tires, and I wasn't in the mood to run on the cross trainer.

But I got stuff done. I love, love, love making lists, and I have a piece of paper titled "Georgia's Spring Break List" hanging above my desk. Only four things (out of 14) were crossed off at the start of today: graduation invites, laundry, color hair, and Government 2 homework. That's all I got done over the last 6 days from this list. Now I can almost add French 2 and Economics homework to that, as well as a tidied bedroom.

We also went to the Saturday evening Easter service tonight and met my god family there. We drove a bit afterwards to get dinner. I had almost all of the kids in the car I was driving, while the dads only had the 14-year-old and two 17-year-old boys, and the moms were alone. I had no idea where we were going, so I was following the dads--never again will I do that. But we had dinner at a good Texas steakhouse place, and totally clogged our arteries. It was fantastic! We even "tricked" the waiter into celebrating one of my little sister's birthdays (it isn't actually for another 3 weeks, but oh well).

This blog might turn into me giving accounts of my days--at least the interesting ones. We'll see.

Rain, rain, go away!

It's rainy and cold today. Not even a hint of the sun. Yet I've been out of the house almost all day, and it went something like this:

I had an appointment with a rheumatologist to try to figure out what's going on with my right hand and my feet. He seemed pretty optimistic that I just get cold easily and that I'm naturally a little more blueish in those appendages. ("You're just a smurf!" he said.) But he went ahead and ordered blood tests. I hate blood tests where they have to draw multiple vials of blood, now. My mom and I also think they might be doing a test to see if I'm pregnant--spoiler alert: I'm not--I don't know why they didn't just ask, though. Oh well.

My mom and I headed to lunch after the blood draw. Since moving I haven't had the courage to try any tex mex food, in case it's horrible, but we went to On The Border anyways. It wasn't bad at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't have to eat for the next couple days.

I somehow talked my mom into running into Target (we were basically across the street, so why not?) for some swimsuit shopping. That was discouraging; anything in a color I liked either wasn't a style I was okay with or the right size. Then we searched the sales rack. Which led to looking at shorts. Which led to looking at shirts. Which led to trying things on in the dressing room. I walked away with 2 button up shirts (which is fantastic, since I can never find one that fits right in the shoulders and doesn't swallow the rest of me), 2 pairs of shorts (another miraculous feat: they're always too short or something), and a nice top for spring and summer for church or nicer events. Let me tell you: it's very depressing to go from trying on shorts to walking into 40-something degree, rainy weather.
We also picked up a battery that will hopefully work in my AE-1 film camera, along with Tangled (we can't keep Netflix's DVD forever, I guess), and Megamind.

We also upgraded mom's iPhone, and talked to the lady at AT&T about kids, car seats, TV shows, music, and church. Then we ran to Costco, even though neither of us could bear to think about food after all that we ate at On The Border.

Now I'm home, and I just want to curl up and take a nap. But homework is calling, and maybe a movie--Oh! And definitely an episode of Bones. I did have plans to go on a bike ride today, but my hips are incredibly sore from my workout yesterday, and the rain causes a small problem, too.

In other recent news, I highlighted my hair "vampire red" yesterday. It's "temporary" so it'll fade to more of a purple-y color in a couple weeks.

{Here's a semi-quality picture of the red hair}

This is why

This is a video of Sarah Kay, a spoken word poet, performing a couple of poems and speaking on her writing, teaching, and performing. I think she explains exactly why I write, and I think the reasons also explain some about why I make other forms of art as well.

Simple pleasures

I'm really a simple person, it doesn't take much to make me happy. Just:

• fresh fruit
• Brie cheese
• artisan bread
• Greek yogurt
• earl grey tea
• good music
• a dress that twirls
• sunshine
• warm days
• soft, green grass
• someone to dance with (really dance, like partner dancing)
• a film camera (with unlimited film and developing, s'il vous plaît)
• sleep
• endless amounts of canvases and paint
• good books
• a comfortable bed

Maybe I'm not so simple.

Rebound

I'm a firm believer in doing what I want, acting from the heart, and speaking my mind. I don't let people hold me back and I don't conform to what's expected or the "norm". I like shocking people. That's why I've colored my hair crazy colors, that's part of why I chopped it off, and part of why I do quite a few things. I like making people uncomfortable and aware of how stubborn and different I am. Of course, that's not my only reason for my actions, but it's a big one.

But speaking my mind and being straightforward gets me into trouble sometimes, too. Tonight is one of those nights when my stomach rolls and I get chills and my mind just doesn't stop. It's the kind of night when I'm likely to pull out my phone and text someone I shouldn't and say something I'll regret in the morning.

(The Dr. Pepper I had probably isn't helping, I'm too awake to even think about sleeping. Neither does the fact that in the last 2 days I've watched Tangled twice, Dirty Dancing, and 10 Things I Hate About You--hello, mushy, gushy, lovey-dovey, I-want-a-boyfriend feelings.)

But tonight's one of those nights that also pulls me back around to one of my problems: I'm entirely too focused right now on near-sighted things, instead of the long-term. And I don't mean long-term like college or a career. I mean the spiritual long-term.

Right now, I'd rather be stuck in my rut, treading old roads that don't seem to hold anything for me, than to be turning to God. It's very purposeful. I'm purposefully ignoring God's calls and being difficult to love because I'd rather have my plastic pearls instead of the real deal.

Before that, I used God. I was hiding from my life and my problems in Him. Sure, some legitimate growth occurred during that time, but I've hit a plateau now. It's like a rebound relationship: I ran to Him because I had nothing else and now I'm finding that I wasn't fully invested in the relationship, just invested in running from everything else and having a safe zone.

Now I'm out in the open again and needing to make a choice. Currently, I'm "going with the flow" and choosing no decision as my decision. I'm letting myself be whipped around by the current of the near-sighted things that ultimately probably don't matter along with the things I was running from to begin with. It's like God said, "Georgia, you can't run forever, you have to face those things." Then picked me up, turned me around, and gave me an encouraging push to face my demons, as it were.

Some of them, I've faced: I made a final college decision--signed the papers, put down the deposit, all that; I'm getting graduation plans under control; I let an old friend back in my life. Some of them, I still can't face, because I'm letting myself get in over my head and focus on things I shouldn't.

I have a confession: I yearn for one primary thing: to be loved completely, fully, truly, and deeply; I am very scared of one thing: being given a love that is all it claims to be, no strings attached, no backing out.

So I am a glutton for punishment. I go for the cheaper love, what will hurt me, instead of holding on with two hands to God and the love He gives that is so obviously what I need.

I'm feeling like the girl with the plastic pearls.

I don't know how to deal with this.

I don't know how to let go, I don't know how to fix broken relationships, I don't know how to forget, and I don't know how to love. I don't know how to let God fix me.

Blood test results!

Sorry if any of you are freaking out over my last facebook update, since it left a lot to be desired in the way of info. My mom told me that the doctor had called right as we were leaving the house, and I didn't feel like trying to explain everything in a status.

To the results!

All the tests came back normal, with the exception of my white blood cell count. The range of "normal" for a WBC count is between 4.5 and 13, if I remember correctly, and mine weighs in at 3.5. The doctor suggested/has ordered a second full blood count test (or whatever it's called--can you tell I'm not familiar with this form of doctor-speak?), which I was thinking I'd have done tomorrow. I also need to make an appointment with a rheumatologist.

But after talking to my dad, I'll probably just skip that test for now and schedule the appointment; the rheumatologist will probably order another round of blood tests and I don't feel like getting poked with a needle more than I have to.

None of this actually rules out autoimmune diseases, though. When we googled reasons for a WBC count being low, a myriad of results came to light, including: autoimmune diseases, cancer, and thyroid problems (leave it to me to remember only the most dramatic ones). BUT, in all this googling, we learned that a 3.5 is really on the border of being a low count, so it may not be as dramatic as it first sounds.

Cue the ability to breath again.

Confessions (of a teenaged girl)

• I have a need to feel superior, though more often than not I don't feel such
• I want to get my cartilage pierced and a tattoo because somehow, I think it'll make me feel more empowered (though that's not the only reason behind the tattoo)
• Long hair makes me feel pretty and likable, short hair makes me feel strong and beautiful
• I have to be different, always
• I hate being copied in the slightest, in the sense that when I have done or say I want to have/do something and then the person I told suddenly does or wants or has the same thing, I get really annoyed. Imitation may be the highest form of flattery, but it reeks of a lack of sense of self to me
• I can't stand a fake or forced relationship with anyone
• I hold everyone to the same standards I hold myself: be your own person, be strong, be loving, be real, and treat everyone the way you wish to be treated
• I put a lot of weight in words, in fact, I believe it's my primary love language
• The people I truly care about have a vehement love and support behind them
• I'm just as imperfect as anyone else
• I need an honest and meaningful love from people, which makes me seem weak and needy
• I tend to be strong and independent, regardless of whether I have that love or not
• I am a lover AND a fighter
• I have strong opinions, I'm not afraid to make them known, and I'm not afraid to stand up for what's right
• For all this strength, I'm also soft
• I'm a dreamer
• The way I see it, I don't leave room for unnecessary negativity

Clarification

Recently, I've found a few people that are worried about me based on my old blog posts, and it wouldn't surprise me to find a few more. While I understand why those posts concern people, it makes me really frustrated that people let themselves get worried about the past.

One of the reasons I kept this blog secret for so long was just that: I knew people would be worried. Trust me, I worried about myself, too; but that's why I wrote--that's why I still write. I use this blog and my writing to work out the kinks in my life, mind, and heart. Because of that purpose, what I wrote a month ago is very likely irrelevant now in its original context, and what I write now may be irrelevant in a month's time.

Some of my writing has a creative bent to it, which means that it may very well be based on something from my life, but is now stretched, pulled, and magnified to make it something I can write about it a way that's meaningful. Thing's aren't always what they seem.

Yes, maybe a diary would better suit my purposes, but a diary would also feel constricting, because no one can see it, no one can respond to it, no one can relate to it. I keep a diary in conjunction with this blog, so I know. Not to mention, I don't write everything here. You're not getting anywhere close to a whole picture with these writings. I refuse to delete old posts just because they no longer reflect my current status; those posts still reflect the little journeys that have brought me here and make the picture you do get a little clearer.

Take what I write seriously, in that I write earnestly about things that really bother me; but don't take my writing so seriously that you leave me no room to move or grow. I can't keep my mind from whirring and if I don't let some of those thoughts out, there will be even more reason to worry about me, trust me.

Relationships. Uh-oh.

I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. I feel like I've been struggling with feeling broken, discarded, forgotten, worthless, and unloved by various different people. I've been fighting with myself, because after getting hurt so many times I want nothing more than to close my heart to people, and I know that's unhealthy. I want to be this strong, solid rock that doesn't move and doesn't break. I don't want to be this seemingly lost, gullible girl that is desperate for attention. I want people to realize that I'm able to stand on my own two feet--I'm strong and independent--I just want someone to love me while I stand and catch me when I fall.

All of this heartbreak and struggling is making me wish I hadn't dated, that I'd waited to know myself a little better, and become strong through God in the first place instead of through crawling back for healing. It's made me think of things people told me when I was in junior high. Things like: wait until you're older; don't give your heart away; play hard to get (which is a load of crap in my humble opinion: it's nothing but a game. But that's for a different conversation). In the midst of all of this, I remembered a "letter" someone had given me around 6th grade.

I paid very little attention to this letter. I was a girl that thought sure, guys were cute, but I never had a serious interest in them. I was a good Christian girl and I did the "right" things. On the one hand I thought I didn't need this letter. On the other hand I didn't even know what it meant. The "role model" that had given me the letter was the same person that introduced the idea of "playing hard to get" into my mind, that told me "boys are icky," and that seemed to have some baggage herself that stood in the way of making her a good mentor in the area of relationships. Between her and my parents I didn't have a good model for dating relationships (seeing as my parents were already married. I had a good model for a marriage, though).

I stumbled through my first relationship and ended up with just a little bruising and a couple scratches. It was a learning experience that hurt really badly at first, but has healed to nothing but the tiniest scar over time--kind of like falling off a bike: it hurts when it happens, but you end up with little to no scar. My second relationship was better: we were best friends and tried to keep that foundation there. It worked until the relationship ended. At that point it became the tangled mess it seems to have been ever since. We danced around being friends, bordered on being in a sort-of relationship, fought, and just didn't have good lines and definitions for our friendship. Out of all of that, a second try at dating came into being. I thought we could make it work, even from 1500+ miles apart, but that failed.

That left me where I am now. I swore off dating. I decided I couldn't handle relationships anymore. (The bad thing is, everyone I know seems to have found their current spouse shortly after swearing off dating, which scares me for myself) I told myself that this is my time for me. And I did a good job with that. I got back into writing (which I had dropped shortly after that last relationship ended), I finally let myself shut up long enough to listen to myself, I figured out that I'd adopted all these ideas about myself from labels others had put on me, and I started setting myself straight, brushing myself off, and getting back on my feet.

I'm at a point where I don't know which way to go. I'm upright, but with the threat of a topple. I'm trying to be strong and open my heart at the same time. I'm impatient because I want someone to stand by me and that person doesn't seem to be in my life at this point. I feel like I'm playing pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey: I'm blindfolded and trying to find my way through a minefield.

What do you do when the person that gets you the best is the one that broke your heart, made you feel like you weren't worth the effort, and is trying to be friends again? I want so much to let that friendship happen again, because it's the most natural friendship I've ever had, but at the same time I'm gun-shy. I'm all for second chances--I've been told I have a gift for them--but when do you hit the point of no return, when risk outweighs the possible return? How do you know? How do you balance inevitable attraction with immeasurable friendship?

Yeah, I have a lot of baggage to work out. Yeah, I have a lot of problems. But I'm tired of being treated like that, like a bomb about to go off. I want honesty, I want to be myself, I want stability. I'm having a hard time finding anything that I want. And maybe that's my problem: I'm trying to hard to look and find, when I should be letting things happen when they should.

This is the letter:

Dear child of mine,

I know you long to give yourself completely to someone, to have a deep, soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But I want you to wait until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with Me alone. Until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the special human relationship that I have planned for you.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you--you just keep pursuing Me. Don't be anxious or look around at the things I've given others or the things you think you want. You just keep looking to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you. When you're ready, I'll surprise you with a better love than you can imagine.

You see, I am working even this minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. I want you to have in the flesh the everlasting union of love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty, your loving heavenly Father.

Love, God

Day 17- Someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why

I want to switch lives with Adele so that I can sing like her. I want to switch lives with a major political leader to see just how difficult it is to lead a country, in part or whole. I want to switch lives with the girl I sponsor through Children International to give her everything I have that she doesn't. I want to switch lives with someone in love to see that there's hope for me. I want to switch lives with a genius to see what it's like to be so smart. I want to switch lives with someone who's mentally handicapped to see their view of the world. I want to switch lives with a woman over 90 years of age to understand the burden of being forgotten and left alone. I want to switch lives with a small child to regain a sense of wonder towards life.

And then I want to switch back, hold all the knowledge from these experiences and life stories, and use it to change the world.

Love, lose, build walls. Repeat.

I am struggling to put things together in my mind. I have this whole concept I'm struggling with, phrased perfectly my Jonathan Safran Foer in his book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close:

"We need much bigger pockets, I thought as I lay in bed, counting off the seven minutes that it takes a normal person to fall asleep. We need enormous pockets, pockets big enough for our families, and our friends, and even the people who aren't on our lists, people we've never met but still want to protect. We need pockets for boroughs and for cities, a pocket that could hold the whole universe. Eight minutes thirty-two seconds... But I knew that there couldn't be pockets that enormous. In the end, everyone loses everyone."

It's this desire to hold everyone and everything close, to never forget, to carry all of it forward with me. It's something I've struggled with since June or July. I wanted so much to bring everyone I loved then with me to the place I am now. I wanted to keep them safe with me. I wanted Sonic runs with Taylor to stay intact; I wanted holding hands and movies with Jake to keep happening; I wanted breakfasts with Kendel, Ryn, Mariah, Marshal, Christiana, and Jordan to continue. And now, I've made new friends and connections here--sure, they don't replace the old ones, they're just different--and I don't want to let go of them either as I go away to college.

I'm dealing with a compounded feeling of loss for my family, my old friends, and my new friends. I want pockets for all of them, I want a place for each person in my dorm room, and I want to carry them with me everywhere. While every single person will be there for me for likely the rest of my life, and I'll carry them in my heart, I still feel like I'm losing everybody.

All of this loss shuts me down. It's like losing too much blood: your body can't function without it. I feel like I've been drained of my blood. I'm wilting, fast. I want to staunch the flow. It seems the only way to make this kind of loss cease is to never make the gains of connection in the first place. It means never being vulnerable and open to people. It means never loving anyone again. It means ceasing to love the people I have now.

I have a huge heart, I've decided. I can't cease to love. I love even when it hurts me. I can't get this heart to stop pumping; so as fast as I'm bleeding out over losses, I'm bleeding out love. I feel like I'm giving, giving, and giving. There isn't enough income to cover all of my outgo, it seems. Maybe it's just that the income is in foreign money, something I can't understand.

These seem to be my ongoing problems: love, lose, build walls. Love, lose, build walls. Love, lose, build walls. What exactly IS my problem?! Can someone come into my life that I love, that loves me, that I don't want to push away, that doesn't push me away, and that mostly keeps me from building walls? Don't pull out God on me right now, because I know that God loves me like that. I just want a human that can express it to me in a way I understand, in a tangible way.

This is why I think it might be better for me to be alone.

My walls are high and wide right now. Nothing is getting through them.

Yet, all I want is someone to take the time to peel away the layers of my defense to get to the heart of me, to kiss and heal the wounds made by both myself and others, and to fight to stay with me.

That is the center of my problem.

Day 16- Describe a style that I had 10 years ago.

I'm 18. Ten years ago would put me at 8. I hardly remember anything in great detail from that time in my life (even though everything happened when I was 8 or 9). I can tell you I was a perfectionist that loved kitties and horses and enjoyed eating fresh vegetables out of the garden. I really had no innate ability for gymnastics (but did it anyways). I loved to read, I loved to write, I loved to dance, and I loved to draw/paint/color. The time I was excited about being allowed to wear pants to church probably tells you all you need to know about my clothing style: my mom held a benevolent dictatorship over the contents of my closet, I wore mostly skirts, tights, and mary janes, and I didn't really like them.

All of this is humorous, because I still love cats, fresh food from a garden, reading, writing, dancing, and art (I finally gave up on gymnastics). And I'm still a perfectionist, though a more moderate one. But now I'd rather wear a skirt than pants on most days, I love tights to death, and I'm still searching for a good pair of mary jane-type shoes that I like. C'est la vie, though, n'est-ce pas? (And my mom no longer has control over the contents of my closet, thank you--I dress myself appropriately)

Day 15- Put my iPod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play .

• I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra
• You Make My Dreams - Hall & Oates
• People Of God - Gungor
• I Feel It All - Feist
• I Don't Have To Be Me - Steve Azar
• Only Time Will Tell - Jimmy Buffett
• Lucky - Jason Mraz
• You're All I Have - Snow Patrol
• Death By Numbers - Noah and the Whale
• Borrowed Time - A Fine Frenzy

Day 14- A picture of me and my family.

{September 2010}

We've all grown up a lot since this picture was taken. But here it is. My lovely family, left to right: me, Abigail, Jessie, Collier, Korynne, my dad, William, my mom, and Miranda.

Day 13- The most attractive characteristics in the opposite sex.

I'm not going to be thorough, because I'm really just not in the mood.

• confidence (but not cockiness)
• humbleness (but not self-degradation)
• gentleness (but not babying)
• healthy sense of humor
• kindness
• courtesy
• respect
• tall
• Christian
• eyes
• and smile
• maybe arms

Day 12- My dream home/location

My dream home. Wow. I'm going to try to describe this for you.

Imagine a white house, with a huge porch going around at least half of it. Gardens of wildflowers hug the path to the door. You step inside, and you can hardly tell you have; huge windows flood every room with light. Music is coming from somewhere, maybe it's emanating from the very walls--you never know. The front room you're in currently has two archways and a staircase leading out of it. You go through the arch to your left. You've entered the living room. A large aquarium sits against the wall opposite of where you're standing, and the walls seem to be made of water, too, as the reflection off the aquarium hits pale blue-green walls. In the corner to your right sits a baby grand piano. There's another arch on that end of the room, and you wander through. You're now in the library. Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves cover half of the wall space. It smells like old books, knowledge, and leather. It makes you think of the library in Disney's Beauty And The Beast. You really want to sit on one of the sofas with one of the many books, or even sit on the plush rug in front of the fireplace, but you keep walking towards the door at the far end of the room. On the other side of that door is the dining room. It looks warm, worn, and comfortable, like many fond evenings are spent there with good friends and family. You'd love to stop and have a conversation there, but a lovely smell takes you through the door to your left. You're in the kitchen, and it smells like freshly baked bread and home. It's cheerful there, with yellow walls and fresh flowers from the garden everywhere. A small breakfast table sits in the corner opposite from you. You walk back through the dining room, through an arch, and you're back in the entry way.

Now for the upstairs. There's a hallway going straight from the top of the stairs to a window at the back of the house, and another going directly from the left of the stairs to a window at the side of the house. You go down the hallway in front of you, first. Directly across from each other are two sets of double doors. The one on the left takes you into a large, white studio that runs from the back of the house to the front. It's full of fabric, paints, canvases, drawing pads, cork boards covered in sketches, a darkroom in one corner, and racks of clothes in another. You draw back into the hallway, and go into the other set of double doors. Here is the master bedroom, an airy-feeling room, in peach and cream colors, anchored with earthy browns. You see a door open on the other side of the room, which lead to the bathroom and then the closet. Going back to the top of the stairs, you go to the hallway to the left. There are three doors on the left wall. The first is a bedroom, the second is a bathroom, and the third is another bedroom.

Through the windows, the area around the house is a large garden with tables for tea parties for little girls, a playground for rough-and-tumble little boys, and lots of fresh air and sunshine for everyone.

Nothing about the house screams perfect, but everything about it whispers love and care.

Between hormones and homework.

I'm a little distracted today. I went to the doctor this morning for some swelling problems I'm having with my hands and feet, which ended up with me getting blood drawn for testing. What is my blood being tested for? Raynaud's, thyroid problems, lupus, and other autoimmune diseases. I just signed papers and sent the deposit to attend college in the fall. Life is good and happy. I should not be  dealing with autoimmune diseases!

Of course, that's not the only thing distressing me.

Graduation is distressing me, homework is distressing me, projects are distressing me, and boys are distressing me. I said on facebook yesterday that, "Somewhere between hormones and homework I'm going to implode." And I feel it coming.

I feel the pressure building up inside of me with no obvious release. I feel the dam starting to leak; there's going to be a flood, I just don't know when.

I could use some ice cream, some chocolate, and some girl time. (And for those tests to come back and say that I don't have any autoimmune problems, please, God?)

Day 11- My favorite art piece

I think my answer to this is almost anything by Degas, especially his ballet paintings and studies on the intimate lives of women. I've been in love with Degas' paintings since I was 8 or 9 (watch carefully, almost everything happened when I was 8 or 9). And I have a book that someone gave me for a Christmas or birthday present one year that inadvertently furthered that love a great deal. If I could instantly paint like anyone, it'd probably be Degas.

Day 10- Songs I listen to when I am happy, sad, bored, excited, mad

Can I just list my whole iTunes library?

You and Me by Lifehouse is a pretty standard go-to song of mine. It fits both happy and sad.
Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons for when I'm mad or frustrated.
Are You Gonna Be My Girl by JET when I'm bored (in an effort to pump me up).
Here (In Your Arms) by Hellogoodbye is good for when I'm excited.

Day 09- Something I'm proud of in the past few days

The first thing that comes to mind is my homework: I've gotten almost all my work done every day this week.
But I don't have something I'm definitely proud of, the type of pride where you feel accomplished and your heart swells when you think of it. That's not to say I'm not proud of myself or that I'm ashamed; I just haven't done anything I feel overtly proud of.

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

We'll make this into a list:

• Ace my Government II midterm - I want a good grade
• Write and send the scholarship appeals letter to Dickinson - it'd be nice to have a scholarship to go to college
• Get my room cleaned entirely (hopefully repainted and decorated, but that depends on my dad getting my wall built the rest of the way) - I'll have one less reason for procrastination and I'll feel much better about life
• (Almost) completely eliminate senioritis from my life - I think the reason is obvious enough
• Paint at least one more painting - creative release, and I don't paint enough
• Shoot one roll of film with my AE-1 - I want to get familiar with my new camera
• Start running 3 days a week - I need to get into better shape

There you go. Hopefully I'll accomplish these things! (I'm gonna let them bleed into April, since March is mostly past)

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on me

Well, the easiest people to pick are my parents (I can't really say one's had a bigger impact than the other, now can I?). But I don't have a current picture of them. Nor do I have a picture of the person next on my list. So you know who it'd be a picture of, you just don't get a picture today, sorry!

Day 06- My first love and first kiss

Oy vey. Can I skip this one? No? Okay...

Well, my first love was this complicated thing. We met my freshman year of high school (2007-2008) in the homeschool co-op's geometry and chemistry classes (which my mom happened to be teaching). We started dating in the spring, made it through the summer, and broke up part-way through the fall semester. The next year was a bunch of ups and downs, speaking and not speaking to each other, and never really being able to quit liking each other. The time just wasn't right.
Then, this past spring (2010) we started going on "dates" but denying that we were anything but friends. We started sort of dating at the end of that May. How can you "sort of date"? Well, I was moving 1500+ miles away, and we weren't sure if we liked each other enough to try to date long-distance, so we were testing the waters and seeing what God brought our way. A week later (the first week of June) he went out of town for a week. He came over the Saturday at the end of that week to hang out, watch a movie, and have dinner with my family.
My family didn't officially know we were trying to date again, and we had people coming in and out of the game room during the movie, but I had snuggled up next to him and he had his arm around me anyways. It was dark, I was getting tired. He was brushing his fingers along my arm closest to him. I'm not sure I was even paying attention to the movie anymore; I think I was considering letting myself fall asleep right there and wishing I could just stay there for the rest of time. He brushed his fingers up my arm again, to my cheek, and turned my head towards his. He kissed me. It was over before I realized it had actually happened. I sat there for a couple minutes trying to figure out if I was dreaming or if he had really just kissed me, and wishing he'd kiss me again. He did.
That night was the start of two whirlwind weeks before I moved cross-country. We spent some time of every day of the next week together and tried to make every second count. Two days after that first kiss, we decided we had stepped out of the bounds where we could say we weren't dating. After 2 1/2 years, everything seemed to be working out for us--finally. It was that summer that I decided that I loved him. Maybe not lifetime-love kind of love, but we were just starting out, and I thought I could love him like that if given the chance.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Events occurred that were outside of our control over the next 2-3 months, and we ended up breaking up. But a first love is a first love: you never forget it and maybe you never move on completely. And who knows what the future holds for either of us.

Day 05- My top stress-relievers

Believe it or not, cleaning is at the top of my list of stress-relievers. When something is first starting to stress me out you can bet money that my room looks like a tornado went through it (or like a teenager lives in it, whichever); but when I'm at the highest stress point over something you can bet just as much money that my room is sparkling clean (or as clean as it gets without one wall). I had an English teacher that told me once that writers tend to clean anything and everything before sitting down to write, and that's exactly what I do. If my room is a mess I feel like I can't think clearly, and it's probably linked as well to my stress dreams: I'm in a huge warehouse-like room that's covered floor-to-ceiling with random junk, I can't move, I can't think, I'm not sure my dream self is even breathing.

Running is right after cleaning. If cleaning doesn't clear my mind, a 30-minute run certainly will. I don't think about what I'm doing after I run, I don't think about keeping up with the world, I don't think about anything but keeping up with the pace I've set for the next 30 minutes. I think almost all of the time about everything, and running is one of those rare times when I don't really think at all.

Next would be a hot shower. I could live in a hot shower--if it were possible to not turn all wrinkly. I don't know what it is, but life problems solve themselves in the shower.

Beyond that are a handful of things:

• writing: I've kept a journal since I was 8 or 9
• listening to music
• playing piano (unless I've forgotten the particular piece I'm playing; that makes me more stressed)
• reading
• painting
• drawing
• going outside on a warm, sunny day
• and eating chocolate, of course

Day 04- A habit that I wish I didn’t have .

Wow, this one is kind of difficult. I'm a pretty positive person, so I have a hard time seeing negative habits; they're just slightly less positive while still being livable. Sometimes I wish I didn't stay up so late, sometimes I wish I didn't procrastinate, etc. But those aren't really habits, I kind of go through seasons with those things. That's the best I have, though.

Day 03- A picture of me and my friends

Okay, this is going to take quite a few photos...

{Friends from our old church}

{Some of the girls in my small group here}

{"School" friends}

{A couple of my closest friends}

{More youth group friends from here}

 These are the people that have been with me through some tough stuff, who've made life fun, and continue to stick with me.

A quick thought

This week has been one of those weeks where I'm incredibly unthankful because I'm blind to see everything God's blessed me with. But once again, God's shown me where I'm wrong through the words and actions of others.
I can't stop reiterating just how blessed I am by all the things I didn't even see coming in July when I started the car for the drive that eventually brought me here. Everything I thought would be bad has been not simply good, but fantastic, and I can only (happily) blame God for that. Who would've thought that God would use a cross-country move the summer before my senior year, a break-up, and all the muck I was rotting myself in to bring me to the people I needed, to make me into the person I was made to be, and to show me that He's got it all under control? Certainly not I.
But you know what? Praise God for the fact that He's in the driver's seat and I'm not, because the path I would've chosen would've wrecked me in the long run.

Now here comes the hard part:
I am so sorry that I took you for granted, all the people that have loved me and blessed me. I'm not going to try to make excuses about why I felt (and will probably feel again, in the future) that I'm unloved or alone. The only thing I'll say is this: we all feel like a solitary rock once in awhile. When that happens, look up from your storm and see the sunlight around you instead of sitting in the turbulence you make for yourself. It isn't worth getting down and depressed, because you're not alone. Talk to me, talk to someone. We care.

Day 02- The meaning behind my blog name

Well, I have a blog (if you could even call it that) with another site, and it's also Scraps of Thought. I had that one first, and I couldn't think of anything better when I made this blog. But it really fits, because everything I write on this blog is a scrap from my thoughts, or stems from a scrap of my thoughts. And I believe that in putting together all the scraps I post here you get a picture of me, like you get a picture when you put together a puzzle. Granted, it's a picture--not a video or a relationship--so you only get one full side of me; there are different angles you only get glimpses of through this blog.

As for the URL, scrapsofthought and scrapsofme were already taken, so I settled on scrapsofgeorgia 'cause, guess what! I'm Georgia, and these are my scraps.

Day 01- A recent picture of me and 30 interesting facts about myself

1. I'm a senior in high school--in fact, the picture is from the shoot for my senior portraits.

2. I'm the oldest of seven kids; there are five girls and two boys. I wouldn't trade a large family for the world, especially because it doesn't feel large to me.

3. I've never attended a brick-and-mortar school. Twelve grades of successful homeschooling right here. (Did I mention that all of my siblings are homescholed as well?)

4. I have lived in three different states, but moved 6 times between those states.

5. I was a competitive gymnast up until a couple months before my 14th birthday.

6. The reason I quit gymnastics was because I dislocated and broke my elbow--for the second time in three years.

7. I have since moved to dancing: primarily jazz and ballet (no pointe for me, though).

8. I also play piano, and have played for about 10 years.

9. I currently play in my youth group's youth worship band.

10. I have never really used a non-Apple computer in my life. My family is a total Apple nerd family.

11. My favorite TV shows are Bones and Glee.

12. I am absolutely terrified of large spiders. Tiny ones I can deal with. But once that thing gets to be about the diameter of a penny, it's dead and gone. I actually keep an old flip flop in my bathroom now because of all the spiders that tried to set up shop in there over the summer and fall.

13. I live in the basement currently. I don't even have a real room, because my dad is still building the wall. I don't know that it'll be done before I graduate.

14. I love making lists. I love crossing things off of my lists. I put things on my lists that I know won't get  done just to make a longer list.

15. I love to paint. I actually considered majoring in art for awhile because of how much I love to paint. But it's really more of a hobby than anything else, so that major is at the bottom of my list now.

16. I also love clothes. I considered being a fashion designer, too. Again, it's really just a hobby, and a form of self-expression, above all.

17. I have dyed my hair multiple times in high school. In fact, I think this is the first time all the hair on my head has been my natural color since freshman year. I've tried blonde, blonde and red, purple tips, medium brown, auburn-ish, and dark brown. I'm now considering putting some Manic Panic bright red highlights in my hair, because the color turns purple-y as it fades and people almost miss the purple in my hair for how well it goes with my natural color.

18. Most people have several cups of coffee a day--I have tea. Earl grey, preferably, until about 4 PM, when I stop drinking anything really caffeinated.

19. I'm a night owl. That's why I cut the caffeine out at 4, so that maybe I'll have better luck getting myself to bed. My parents both like to stay up late, too. The difference is my dad can consistently get up after 6 hours of sleep while my mom and I can't.

20. I love to read. I have shelves of books I haven't read yet because I love them so much.

21. To go with that, I love to write. And guess what? I've considered majoring in English. And guess what? It's actually still on my list. Sort of. The idea of majoring in English intimidates me.

22. My ideal "job" would be working with under served girls, teaching and raising them, probably in a foreign country. It's something I've only recently discovered pulled at my heart strings, but I feel very strongly called to work with girls, teach, raise a family, and reach out to those less fortunate than me (not to mention I love to travel). As I realized this, I started putting them together, and the above statement is what came out of those things.

23. This is the first time in all my memory that I've truly had my own room.

24. I love to make things. That's easier than listing all the things I like to make as separate points, since it includes: jewelry, gifts, cards, drawings, clothes, etc. Give me craft supplies (or free reign of Michael's and a credit card) and I will make things all day long.

25. I actually really enjoy studying government and economics. As a result, I'm taking an extra semester of high school government and a constitutional law class. Yes, I'm a nerd.

26. I love antique things. I think it has something to do with the history behind the items: I love anything with a story (that includes books and people).

27. I hate wearing socks. And now that I live in the northeast U. S. I have to wear socks for at least 4 solid months of the year to stay warm.

28. I have really tiny wrists. Actually, all parts of my arms are tiny. A good friend of mine recently compared his wrist to my upper arm, and his wrist was bigger. My ears are also abnormally small.

29. Peanut butter and chocolate were a match made in heaven, I could eat it every day. I'm almost certain it's the food of angels. ;)

30. I'm a Christian. I've been raised in a Christian household, but it wasn't until this school year that I really started understanding and owning my faith.

30 Day Challenge

So I saw that my cousin, Sara, is doing this 30 day challenge. Normally I leave things like this well enough alone, but since she's only a couple days ahead of me, I figure I'll have some inspiration to keep up with this one. (Pressure's on, Sara! ;) ) I'll start later today or tomorrow. :)

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 30 interesting facts about yourself.

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
.

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends.

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
.

Day 05- Your top stress-relievers.

Day 06- Your first love and first kiss.

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on you
.

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
.

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days.

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, excited, mad
.

Day 11- Your favorite art piece.

Day 12- Your dream home/location.

Day 13- The most attractive characteristics in the opposite sex.
Day 14- A picture of you and your family.
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
.

Day 16- Describe a style that you had 10 years ago.

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 18- Your thoughts about having children.

Day 19- Upcoming vacation destination(s).

Day 20- Bullet your whole day.

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
.

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 23- Something you crave a lot.

Day 24- Your most embarrassing moment.
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
.

Day 26- Favorite shows.

Day 27- Someone who fascinates you and why.

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?


Day 29- What you’d like to be doing in 10 years.

Day 30- What you’ve learned in the last month.