- Epiphanies at 1:40 AM
- "But ghosts never turn into tangible things"
- Promises to myself
- Healing, it's been a long time coming
- A change in the wind, I hope
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Late night list
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
My grad speech
"I thought I wouldn't cry..."
It's been a year since I've been here. It's funny how time sneaks up on you, isn't it? I've just finished my second semester of senior year and consequently the last semester of my high school career. Around me is the clutter of 18 years of existence. That's crazy, isn't it? To think, this is only the beginning. We think it's an end--an end to high school, and end to familiarity and comfort in our parents' home, a slow end to our dependence on our parents, an end to friendships--the point is, it always feels like an end. It's only the beginning. On average we have about 60.4 more years; we've only lived about a quarter of our lives. I've only lived about a quarter of my life. Yet I think it's an end. Is there ever an end? The world doesn't end, there is no edge, you know.
To start this very long end to my life, I'm going to Dickinson College, whose mascot is a Red Devil. This mascot came from a football game, where Dickinson's team just would not give up. They pushed and they fought. They were devils to play.
I want to be that devil. I want to push and fight and never give up. That's exactly what I do. I set goals and I reach them. And you know what? I'm going to rule the world. Forget about the small things, I'm dreaming big.
My counselor asked me what I want to do with my life. I answered, "Everything." Do you hear me? Everything. That's daunting and exhilarating. I can't think of a better way to spend my life than doing everything. Do they have a degree for that? No, of course not. To do "everything" you have to become a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist, an artist. a businessman, a banker, a teacher...you have to be specific, you have to narrow it down, and you have to say, "I will do everything, right here." I don't want to. I want to do everything there is to do in every field possible. I want to travel, I want to teach, I want to open a bakery, I want to be an artist, I want to be a mother, I want to make a movie, I want to write a book, I want to release an album, I want to play with an orchestra, I want to take pictures of everything. I want, I want, I WANT.
"We have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and be loved," said Mother Teresa.
I want to live in a way and do things that mean something.
But what happened to just living life and being happy? Not everything can be thought out with an impact crater the size of the moon. I don't think great people try to be great people; they just try to be people. People that push and never give up. People that love. And you know what? They get what they want, don't they? Especially when what they want lines up with what God wants.
Maybe it's not about making every stomach full, or curing cancer, or making the perfect government. Yes, those are great goals, but great goals aren't fulfilled overnight. It takes many drops to fill an ocean, moving multiple pebbles to move a mountain. It's doing something small--teaching a classroom of oblivious students, inviting the lonely kid to hang out,making a meal for someone incapable of doing so for him or herself--small things that make a difference.
"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop." I like quoting Mother Teresa.
Do you hear that? The world would be less without us. You, me, all of us were put here for a reason; we all have our pebble to move and our drop to fill.
So I stand before the blank canvas the world has opened up to me, with my paints in my hand, and I am going to paint the most fantastic thing this world has ever seen. I will take the world by storm.
I will do everything because, honestly, why settle for less?
We try to mark things linearly with mile markers and obvious signs and posts. Life isn't like that, though, life is like tree rings. We don't look at trees and say, "Oh, that tree just got a new ring!" No, we don't see the effects of rain and sun until much later; we see it in the height of a tree from one season to the next, or in the rings when the tree is cut down. Human life is the same way, we change gradually. It's not until we've gone through a growing season that we realize how tall we are, or until we're dead that others realize how old we are, so to speak.
I am a tree just out a growing season right now, and I feel I need to thank my sun and rain.
I need to thank my parents for raising and teaching my; Dawn McLendon for teaching, mentoring, and inspiring me to be the best I can; my grandparents for encouraging me and giving bits of wisdom; Eric for saying, "I told you so," when I succeeded; all my aunts and uncles for standing by me; my cousins, siblings, and friends for letting me bend their ears; and every person I've ever come in contact with for influencing me in all the small ways.
I am taller, stronger, straighter, more independent, fiery, passionate, kind, loving, understanding, trusting, careful, brave, and even a little bit rebellious because of every one of you. It is because of you that I aim high and don't settle for less.
It's been a year since I've been here. It's funny how time sneaks up on you, isn't it? I've just finished my second semester of senior year and consequently the last semester of my high school career. Around me is the clutter of 18 years of existence. That's crazy, isn't it? To think, this is only the beginning. We think it's an end--an end to high school, and end to familiarity and comfort in our parents' home, a slow end to our dependence on our parents, an end to friendships--the point is, it always feels like an end. It's only the beginning. On average we have about 60.4 more years; we've only lived about a quarter of our lives. I've only lived about a quarter of my life. Yet I think it's an end. Is there ever an end? The world doesn't end, there is no edge, you know.
To start this very long end to my life, I'm going to Dickinson College, whose mascot is a Red Devil. This mascot came from a football game, where Dickinson's team just would not give up. They pushed and they fought. They were devils to play.
I want to be that devil. I want to push and fight and never give up. That's exactly what I do. I set goals and I reach them. And you know what? I'm going to rule the world. Forget about the small things, I'm dreaming big.
My counselor asked me what I want to do with my life. I answered, "Everything." Do you hear me? Everything. That's daunting and exhilarating. I can't think of a better way to spend my life than doing everything. Do they have a degree for that? No, of course not. To do "everything" you have to become a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist, an artist. a businessman, a banker, a teacher...you have to be specific, you have to narrow it down, and you have to say, "I will do everything, right here." I don't want to. I want to do everything there is to do in every field possible. I want to travel, I want to teach, I want to open a bakery, I want to be an artist, I want to be a mother, I want to make a movie, I want to write a book, I want to release an album, I want to play with an orchestra, I want to take pictures of everything. I want, I want, I WANT.
"We have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and be loved," said Mother Teresa.
I want to live in a way and do things that mean something.
But what happened to just living life and being happy? Not everything can be thought out with an impact crater the size of the moon. I don't think great people try to be great people; they just try to be people. People that push and never give up. People that love. And you know what? They get what they want, don't they? Especially when what they want lines up with what God wants.
Maybe it's not about making every stomach full, or curing cancer, or making the perfect government. Yes, those are great goals, but great goals aren't fulfilled overnight. It takes many drops to fill an ocean, moving multiple pebbles to move a mountain. It's doing something small--teaching a classroom of oblivious students, inviting the lonely kid to hang out,making a meal for someone incapable of doing so for him or herself--small things that make a difference.
"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop." I like quoting Mother Teresa.
Do you hear that? The world would be less without us. You, me, all of us were put here for a reason; we all have our pebble to move and our drop to fill.
So I stand before the blank canvas the world has opened up to me, with my paints in my hand, and I am going to paint the most fantastic thing this world has ever seen. I will take the world by storm.
I will do everything because, honestly, why settle for less?
We try to mark things linearly with mile markers and obvious signs and posts. Life isn't like that, though, life is like tree rings. We don't look at trees and say, "Oh, that tree just got a new ring!" No, we don't see the effects of rain and sun until much later; we see it in the height of a tree from one season to the next, or in the rings when the tree is cut down. Human life is the same way, we change gradually. It's not until we've gone through a growing season that we realize how tall we are, or until we're dead that others realize how old we are, so to speak.
I am a tree just out a growing season right now, and I feel I need to thank my sun and rain.
I need to thank my parents for raising and teaching my; Dawn McLendon for teaching, mentoring, and inspiring me to be the best I can; my grandparents for encouraging me and giving bits of wisdom; Eric for saying, "I told you so," when I succeeded; all my aunts and uncles for standing by me; my cousins, siblings, and friends for letting me bend their ears; and every person I've ever come in contact with for influencing me in all the small ways.
I am taller, stronger, straighter, more independent, fiery, passionate, kind, loving, understanding, trusting, careful, brave, and even a little bit rebellious because of every one of you. It is because of you that I aim high and don't settle for less.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Graduation
Graduation was nothing like I expected. I expected to feel out of place--I hadn't met two of my fellow graduates, and hadn't seen the other 5 in almost a year. Yet, I couldn't have made the night much better.
I spent the night before at my best friend's house. I also spent most of Saturday with her, too, because we haven't seen each other in so long. Somehow, we thought it would be a good idea to be outside for a couple hours before the ceremony. Well, I got a little sunburned. Oops.
After the burning, while we were getting ready to meet my family at our hotel, I realized I'd be graduating in 3 hours. Yikes. But it still wasn't real to me.
I started really freaking out when I was going over my speech about twenty minutes before the ceremony. I was pacing and reading, scribbling and highlighting.
I circled up to pray with the other graduates, and then we lined up to walk in. Since we were ordered by last name, I was next to last. That meant I had 6 slideshows and speeches to sit, hyperventilate, and stress through. And I nearly did all that. I was on the verge of tears during a couple speeches given by parents, but I always pulled myself back from the edge. But there was nothing stopping the floodgates from breaking when my slideshow started.
For the last year I've been working towards this moment; for the last semester I've been hyper aware of the impending doom. The last week has been unreal, driving across the country, seeing old hang outs and friends. It felt like I had never left, like nothing had changed. But something had. We had all grown through another year. Graduation--the thing we've looked forward to since who-knows-when--was here, real.
It hit me when the pictures started showing that this wasn't a practice, this wasn't a dream: I'd reached my goal. We'd reached our goal. I was almost bawling.
I got up afterwards, and gave my speech. "I thought I wouldn't cry at my graduation," I said through my tears and laughter. I hate public speaking, and I was shaking and trying to keep from crying, while trying to balance on four inch heels. But everyone I talked to later complimented that speech. I passed my tears on to several others through my words.
The party afterwards was the best party I've ever been to. I was blessed with the presence of lots of my nearest, dearest family and friends. I couldn't have asked for a better night or better graduating class (good luck to our predecessors, you'll have a hard time following that act I think).
I'm sitting in bed at a hotel 4 hours away from that small town--the town I thought I could do without, the town that I had second thoughts about returning to. But now, all I want is to go back. We're being scattered to the ends of the earth, and who knows when we'll all meet again. Life is changing, and fast. We're growing up and out and moving and shaping the world. All I want right now is to go back, though. To go back and hug the necks of the people I love, and never let go. To go back and see their faces more than once a year. To take back all the times I took for granted.
Now, we have the promise of never going back and always moving forward. We have potential in our lungs and determination in our feet. We have love in our hands and strength in our hearts. We will never look back, only forward. And it's never "good bye," or even "see you later," but always "see you soon" because we will see each other soon.
I spent the night before at my best friend's house. I also spent most of Saturday with her, too, because we haven't seen each other in so long. Somehow, we thought it would be a good idea to be outside for a couple hours before the ceremony. Well, I got a little sunburned. Oops.
After the burning, while we were getting ready to meet my family at our hotel, I realized I'd be graduating in 3 hours. Yikes. But it still wasn't real to me.
I started really freaking out when I was going over my speech about twenty minutes before the ceremony. I was pacing and reading, scribbling and highlighting.
I circled up to pray with the other graduates, and then we lined up to walk in. Since we were ordered by last name, I was next to last. That meant I had 6 slideshows and speeches to sit, hyperventilate, and stress through. And I nearly did all that. I was on the verge of tears during a couple speeches given by parents, but I always pulled myself back from the edge. But there was nothing stopping the floodgates from breaking when my slideshow started.
For the last year I've been working towards this moment; for the last semester I've been hyper aware of the impending doom. The last week has been unreal, driving across the country, seeing old hang outs and friends. It felt like I had never left, like nothing had changed. But something had. We had all grown through another year. Graduation--the thing we've looked forward to since who-knows-when--was here, real.
It hit me when the pictures started showing that this wasn't a practice, this wasn't a dream: I'd reached my goal. We'd reached our goal. I was almost bawling.
I got up afterwards, and gave my speech. "I thought I wouldn't cry at my graduation," I said through my tears and laughter. I hate public speaking, and I was shaking and trying to keep from crying, while trying to balance on four inch heels. But everyone I talked to later complimented that speech. I passed my tears on to several others through my words.
The party afterwards was the best party I've ever been to. I was blessed with the presence of lots of my nearest, dearest family and friends. I couldn't have asked for a better night or better graduating class (good luck to our predecessors, you'll have a hard time following that act I think).
I'm sitting in bed at a hotel 4 hours away from that small town--the town I thought I could do without, the town that I had second thoughts about returning to. But now, all I want is to go back. We're being scattered to the ends of the earth, and who knows when we'll all meet again. Life is changing, and fast. We're growing up and out and moving and shaping the world. All I want right now is to go back, though. To go back and hug the necks of the people I love, and never let go. To go back and see their faces more than once a year. To take back all the times I took for granted.
Now, we have the promise of never going back and always moving forward. We have potential in our lungs and determination in our feet. We have love in our hands and strength in our hearts. We will never look back, only forward. And it's never "good bye," or even "see you later," but always "see you soon" because we will see each other soon.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Don't get me wrong
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. But sometimes I can't see past the splattered bug guts to the road ahead, and sometimes I can't believe things will get better when they've always been the same. And I'm hopeful, but sometimes I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I have faith, but sometimes I can't believe what I can't see or touch.
Home
I'm home. Well, I'm in my old home. I'm not sure where home is anymore. I live in a house, and that's sort of my home. I go to church, and that's sort of home. I sit with my friends, and that's yet another sort of home.
Somehow, I thought this home was different in a way that mattered. I expected something to be changed, but everything's the same. The town is the same, the people are mostly the same. It's like I never left. And in some ways, that's good. But in others, I don't know what to do with it. I'm staring and unable to comprehend and I'm confused and I'm almost hurt.
Why would I expect anything to change?
Somehow, I thought this home was different in a way that mattered. I expected something to be changed, but everything's the same. The town is the same, the people are mostly the same. It's like I never left. And in some ways, that's good. But in others, I don't know what to do with it. I'm staring and unable to comprehend and I'm confused and I'm almost hurt.
Why would I expect anything to change?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Sometimes I feel young
Sometimes I feel young--what am I saying? I am still young.
But sometimes I feel young and afraid.
I'm afraid of all the world has to offer: the good and the bad.
I'm afraid of missing something.
I'm afraid of not doing the beauty justice.
I'm afraid.
And my fear has manifested itself in a fear of leaving the familiar in order to take on the unfamiliar.
I am afraid of my fear.
Sometimes I feel young and awed.
I'm awed by all the world has to offer: the good and the bad.
I'm awed by all the things I'll miss and the things I won't.
I'm awed by the beauty and the wonder.
I'm awed.
And my awe has manifested itself in my fears.
Sometimes I feel young and alive.
I'm alive in this beautiful, wonderful, fearful, complicated world.
But sometimes I feel young and afraid.
I'm afraid of all the world has to offer: the good and the bad.
I'm afraid of missing something.
I'm afraid of not doing the beauty justice.
I'm afraid.
And my fear has manifested itself in a fear of leaving the familiar in order to take on the unfamiliar.
I am afraid of my fear.
Sometimes I feel young and awed.
I'm awed by all the world has to offer: the good and the bad.
I'm awed by all the things I'll miss and the things I won't.
I'm awed by the beauty and the wonder.
I'm awed.
And my awe has manifested itself in my fears.
Sometimes I feel young and alive.
I'm alive in this beautiful, wonderful, fearful, complicated world.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I had to make a post about these...
Graduation is in a little more than 9 days and we drive away in 5 days. I'm so excited and anxious that I decided to start packing. If you know me, you know that I love clothes and putting together outfits. So, packing took up a large part of my afternoon. I'll probably wash laundry tomorrow and be done with packing (aside from last-minute things, like my toothbrush).
I have these wonderful leather Michael Kors sandals that I got the summer of 2008 or 2009. I wore them to death. They're still wearable, actually, except for the fact that one of the straps broke last summer. Those sandals would look absolutely adorable with so many outfits that I'm packing for this trip--well, really, with almost every outfit for this summer. I mentioned these sandals and their terrible demise to a friend, and she told me of a cobbler that could probably fix them for me. What's my wonderful mother going to do tomorrow? Take my sandals to the cobbler to see if we can get them fixed! Yay!
Buuutt, on the off chance that they have to meet the trash can (that will NOT happen, I will have them remade or something, I love them too much), I decided to search for replacement sandals. These are my finds, thus far:
I might just have to get one of these regardless of the fate of my old favorites! I'd definitely get the crocheted ones, if that's the case, since the second pair is the same color as my current pair.
And now I should get back to my homework. This is going to be difficult, now that sandals and sunshine and summer are on my mind!
I have these wonderful leather Michael Kors sandals that I got the summer of 2008 or 2009. I wore them to death. They're still wearable, actually, except for the fact that one of the straps broke last summer. Those sandals would look absolutely adorable with so many outfits that I'm packing for this trip--well, really, with almost every outfit for this summer. I mentioned these sandals and their terrible demise to a friend, and she told me of a cobbler that could probably fix them for me. What's my wonderful mother going to do tomorrow? Take my sandals to the cobbler to see if we can get them fixed! Yay!
Buuutt, on the off chance that they have to meet the trash can (that will NOT happen, I will have them remade or something, I love them too much), I decided to search for replacement sandals. These are my finds, thus far:
 |
| {I LOVE lace/crocheted things right now!} |
 |
| {Beautiful!!} |
I might just have to get one of these regardless of the fate of my old favorites! I'd definitely get the crocheted ones, if that's the case, since the second pair is the same color as my current pair.
And now I should get back to my homework. This is going to be difficult, now that sandals and sunshine and summer are on my mind!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I want to make you feel
I want to make people feel. I want to tear open their skin and get their hearts pumping. I want to touch them in a way that awakens their souls like never before. I want to make you ache how I ache, cry when I cry, love what I love. I want you to read my words until their imprinted in the back of your eyes, and I want you to dream of my paintings at night. I want you to wonder at the world with me, see the things that I see. I want to give you my hands, my eyes, and my ears. I want everything to shine like gold--even the rusty, old things. I want you to breathe magic and bleed love. I want to have you in my hands like putty, to change the way you see the world.
Monday, May 2, 2011
These feelings
I know these feelings--the feeling of defeat before you even begin, the feeling of being in a whirlpool, the feeling of being stuck, the feeling of wanting to give up already--I met them in November. They aren't nice feelings. They make life difficult, make engaging the world tiresome, and make the whole world look grey. I am not a grey person. I am vibrant. I am strong. I am happy. I am not going back to a dull, dead world. I don't want to be sucked in again.
I think it's change, or impending change, that does this to me. It happened when I moved here, then felt alone and defeated by everything. It's happening now, when I'm 12 days away from graduating (albeit 4 weeks from finishing classes), with mountains of due-dates for homework looming in front of me, with college drawing nearer and nearer, and other little changes occurring.
I thought I was doing alright with everything, until I realized that my big paper for economics (that I've known about all semester) is due on Friday--and I still hadn't started it. Then I realized that I had a French paper due on April 30th--and didn't have enough time to finish it before the deadline. Then I realized--at 1:00 this morning--that I was supposed to be giving a presentation in French class today, when I thought it was next week. And guess what? I hadn't made the presentation yet. I didn't sleep well last night because of that presentation.
I emailed my teacher, Madame S, this morning when I woke up, and she kindly moved my presentation to next week instead of giving me the big ol' zero I probably deserve. I still haven't submitted my paper from the 30th, but she gave me an extension for that as well, though I didn't ask. My economics paper is only 4 pages long, double spaced. I'm ahead on all other economics homework. I don't have anywhere to go today. It's warm(er) and a little sunny this afternoon. I'm wearing a new romper. My laundry is clean. I got 100% on the spoken part of my French test today. I got a lovely card in the mail from some friends that brightened my morning, even though it's to say they can't attend my graduation. My desk area is a little bit more organized. And Manchester Orchestra's new album, Simple Math, is available for streaming. Which makes up a little for not being able to go to their show on Friday.
Don't let yourself get defeated before you begin. It isn't worth it. Keep your chin up. It's a good day.
I think it's change, or impending change, that does this to me. It happened when I moved here, then felt alone and defeated by everything. It's happening now, when I'm 12 days away from graduating (albeit 4 weeks from finishing classes), with mountains of due-dates for homework looming in front of me, with college drawing nearer and nearer, and other little changes occurring.
I thought I was doing alright with everything, until I realized that my big paper for economics (that I've known about all semester) is due on Friday--and I still hadn't started it. Then I realized that I had a French paper due on April 30th--and didn't have enough time to finish it before the deadline. Then I realized--at 1:00 this morning--that I was supposed to be giving a presentation in French class today, when I thought it was next week. And guess what? I hadn't made the presentation yet. I didn't sleep well last night because of that presentation.
I emailed my teacher, Madame S, this morning when I woke up, and she kindly moved my presentation to next week instead of giving me the big ol' zero I probably deserve. I still haven't submitted my paper from the 30th, but she gave me an extension for that as well, though I didn't ask. My economics paper is only 4 pages long, double spaced. I'm ahead on all other economics homework. I don't have anywhere to go today. It's warm(er) and a little sunny this afternoon. I'm wearing a new romper. My laundry is clean. I got 100% on the spoken part of my French test today. I got a lovely card in the mail from some friends that brightened my morning, even though it's to say they can't attend my graduation. My desk area is a little bit more organized. And Manchester Orchestra's new album, Simple Math, is available for streaming. Which makes up a little for not being able to go to their show on Friday.
Don't let yourself get defeated before you begin. It isn't worth it. Keep your chin up. It's a good day.
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