Love, lose, build walls. Repeat.

I am struggling to put things together in my mind. I have this whole concept I'm struggling with, phrased perfectly my Jonathan Safran Foer in his book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close:

"We need much bigger pockets, I thought as I lay in bed, counting off the seven minutes that it takes a normal person to fall asleep. We need enormous pockets, pockets big enough for our families, and our friends, and even the people who aren't on our lists, people we've never met but still want to protect. We need pockets for boroughs and for cities, a pocket that could hold the whole universe. Eight minutes thirty-two seconds... But I knew that there couldn't be pockets that enormous. In the end, everyone loses everyone."

It's this desire to hold everyone and everything close, to never forget, to carry all of it forward with me. It's something I've struggled with since June or July. I wanted so much to bring everyone I loved then with me to the place I am now. I wanted to keep them safe with me. I wanted Sonic runs with Taylor to stay intact; I wanted holding hands and movies with Jake to keep happening; I wanted breakfasts with Kendel, Ryn, Mariah, Marshal, Christiana, and Jordan to continue. And now, I've made new friends and connections here--sure, they don't replace the old ones, they're just different--and I don't want to let go of them either as I go away to college.

I'm dealing with a compounded feeling of loss for my family, my old friends, and my new friends. I want pockets for all of them, I want a place for each person in my dorm room, and I want to carry them with me everywhere. While every single person will be there for me for likely the rest of my life, and I'll carry them in my heart, I still feel like I'm losing everybody.

All of this loss shuts me down. It's like losing too much blood: your body can't function without it. I feel like I've been drained of my blood. I'm wilting, fast. I want to staunch the flow. It seems the only way to make this kind of loss cease is to never make the gains of connection in the first place. It means never being vulnerable and open to people. It means never loving anyone again. It means ceasing to love the people I have now.

I have a huge heart, I've decided. I can't cease to love. I love even when it hurts me. I can't get this heart to stop pumping; so as fast as I'm bleeding out over losses, I'm bleeding out love. I feel like I'm giving, giving, and giving. There isn't enough income to cover all of my outgo, it seems. Maybe it's just that the income is in foreign money, something I can't understand.

These seem to be my ongoing problems: love, lose, build walls. Love, lose, build walls. Love, lose, build walls. What exactly IS my problem?! Can someone come into my life that I love, that loves me, that I don't want to push away, that doesn't push me away, and that mostly keeps me from building walls? Don't pull out God on me right now, because I know that God loves me like that. I just want a human that can express it to me in a way I understand, in a tangible way.

This is why I think it might be better for me to be alone.

My walls are high and wide right now. Nothing is getting through them.

Yet, all I want is someone to take the time to peel away the layers of my defense to get to the heart of me, to kiss and heal the wounds made by both myself and others, and to fight to stay with me.

That is the center of my problem.

Day 16- Describe a style that I had 10 years ago.

I'm 18. Ten years ago would put me at 8. I hardly remember anything in great detail from that time in my life (even though everything happened when I was 8 or 9). I can tell you I was a perfectionist that loved kitties and horses and enjoyed eating fresh vegetables out of the garden. I really had no innate ability for gymnastics (but did it anyways). I loved to read, I loved to write, I loved to dance, and I loved to draw/paint/color. The time I was excited about being allowed to wear pants to church probably tells you all you need to know about my clothing style: my mom held a benevolent dictatorship over the contents of my closet, I wore mostly skirts, tights, and mary janes, and I didn't really like them.

All of this is humorous, because I still love cats, fresh food from a garden, reading, writing, dancing, and art (I finally gave up on gymnastics). And I'm still a perfectionist, though a more moderate one. But now I'd rather wear a skirt than pants on most days, I love tights to death, and I'm still searching for a good pair of mary jane-type shoes that I like. C'est la vie, though, n'est-ce pas? (And my mom no longer has control over the contents of my closet, thank you--I dress myself appropriately)

Day 15- Put my iPod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play .

• I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra
• You Make My Dreams - Hall & Oates
• People Of God - Gungor
• I Feel It All - Feist
• I Don't Have To Be Me - Steve Azar
• Only Time Will Tell - Jimmy Buffett
• Lucky - Jason Mraz
• You're All I Have - Snow Patrol
• Death By Numbers - Noah and the Whale
• Borrowed Time - A Fine Frenzy

Day 14- A picture of me and my family.

{September 2010}

We've all grown up a lot since this picture was taken. But here it is. My lovely family, left to right: me, Abigail, Jessie, Collier, Korynne, my dad, William, my mom, and Miranda.

Day 13- The most attractive characteristics in the opposite sex.

I'm not going to be thorough, because I'm really just not in the mood.

• confidence (but not cockiness)
• humbleness (but not self-degradation)
• gentleness (but not babying)
• healthy sense of humor
• kindness
• courtesy
• respect
• tall
• Christian
• eyes
• and smile
• maybe arms

Day 12- My dream home/location

My dream home. Wow. I'm going to try to describe this for you.

Imagine a white house, with a huge porch going around at least half of it. Gardens of wildflowers hug the path to the door. You step inside, and you can hardly tell you have; huge windows flood every room with light. Music is coming from somewhere, maybe it's emanating from the very walls--you never know. The front room you're in currently has two archways and a staircase leading out of it. You go through the arch to your left. You've entered the living room. A large aquarium sits against the wall opposite of where you're standing, and the walls seem to be made of water, too, as the reflection off the aquarium hits pale blue-green walls. In the corner to your right sits a baby grand piano. There's another arch on that end of the room, and you wander through. You're now in the library. Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves cover half of the wall space. It smells like old books, knowledge, and leather. It makes you think of the library in Disney's Beauty And The Beast. You really want to sit on one of the sofas with one of the many books, or even sit on the plush rug in front of the fireplace, but you keep walking towards the door at the far end of the room. On the other side of that door is the dining room. It looks warm, worn, and comfortable, like many fond evenings are spent there with good friends and family. You'd love to stop and have a conversation there, but a lovely smell takes you through the door to your left. You're in the kitchen, and it smells like freshly baked bread and home. It's cheerful there, with yellow walls and fresh flowers from the garden everywhere. A small breakfast table sits in the corner opposite from you. You walk back through the dining room, through an arch, and you're back in the entry way.

Now for the upstairs. There's a hallway going straight from the top of the stairs to a window at the back of the house, and another going directly from the left of the stairs to a window at the side of the house. You go down the hallway in front of you, first. Directly across from each other are two sets of double doors. The one on the left takes you into a large, white studio that runs from the back of the house to the front. It's full of fabric, paints, canvases, drawing pads, cork boards covered in sketches, a darkroom in one corner, and racks of clothes in another. You draw back into the hallway, and go into the other set of double doors. Here is the master bedroom, an airy-feeling room, in peach and cream colors, anchored with earthy browns. You see a door open on the other side of the room, which lead to the bathroom and then the closet. Going back to the top of the stairs, you go to the hallway to the left. There are three doors on the left wall. The first is a bedroom, the second is a bathroom, and the third is another bedroom.

Through the windows, the area around the house is a large garden with tables for tea parties for little girls, a playground for rough-and-tumble little boys, and lots of fresh air and sunshine for everyone.

Nothing about the house screams perfect, but everything about it whispers love and care.

Between hormones and homework.

I'm a little distracted today. I went to the doctor this morning for some swelling problems I'm having with my hands and feet, which ended up with me getting blood drawn for testing. What is my blood being tested for? Raynaud's, thyroid problems, lupus, and other autoimmune diseases. I just signed papers and sent the deposit to attend college in the fall. Life is good and happy. I should not be  dealing with autoimmune diseases!

Of course, that's not the only thing distressing me.

Graduation is distressing me, homework is distressing me, projects are distressing me, and boys are distressing me. I said on facebook yesterday that, "Somewhere between hormones and homework I'm going to implode." And I feel it coming.

I feel the pressure building up inside of me with no obvious release. I feel the dam starting to leak; there's going to be a flood, I just don't know when.

I could use some ice cream, some chocolate, and some girl time. (And for those tests to come back and say that I don't have any autoimmune problems, please, God?)

Day 11- My favorite art piece

I think my answer to this is almost anything by Degas, especially his ballet paintings and studies on the intimate lives of women. I've been in love with Degas' paintings since I was 8 or 9 (watch carefully, almost everything happened when I was 8 or 9). And I have a book that someone gave me for a Christmas or birthday present one year that inadvertently furthered that love a great deal. If I could instantly paint like anyone, it'd probably be Degas.

Day 10- Songs I listen to when I am happy, sad, bored, excited, mad

Can I just list my whole iTunes library?

You and Me by Lifehouse is a pretty standard go-to song of mine. It fits both happy and sad.
Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons for when I'm mad or frustrated.
Are You Gonna Be My Girl by JET when I'm bored (in an effort to pump me up).
Here (In Your Arms) by Hellogoodbye is good for when I'm excited.

Day 09- Something I'm proud of in the past few days

The first thing that comes to mind is my homework: I've gotten almost all my work done every day this week.
But I don't have something I'm definitely proud of, the type of pride where you feel accomplished and your heart swells when you think of it. That's not to say I'm not proud of myself or that I'm ashamed; I just haven't done anything I feel overtly proud of.

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

We'll make this into a list:

• Ace my Government II midterm - I want a good grade
• Write and send the scholarship appeals letter to Dickinson - it'd be nice to have a scholarship to go to college
• Get my room cleaned entirely (hopefully repainted and decorated, but that depends on my dad getting my wall built the rest of the way) - I'll have one less reason for procrastination and I'll feel much better about life
• (Almost) completely eliminate senioritis from my life - I think the reason is obvious enough
• Paint at least one more painting - creative release, and I don't paint enough
• Shoot one roll of film with my AE-1 - I want to get familiar with my new camera
• Start running 3 days a week - I need to get into better shape

There you go. Hopefully I'll accomplish these things! (I'm gonna let them bleed into April, since March is mostly past)

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on me

Well, the easiest people to pick are my parents (I can't really say one's had a bigger impact than the other, now can I?). But I don't have a current picture of them. Nor do I have a picture of the person next on my list. So you know who it'd be a picture of, you just don't get a picture today, sorry!

Day 06- My first love and first kiss

Oy vey. Can I skip this one? No? Okay...

Well, my first love was this complicated thing. We met my freshman year of high school (2007-2008) in the homeschool co-op's geometry and chemistry classes (which my mom happened to be teaching). We started dating in the spring, made it through the summer, and broke up part-way through the fall semester. The next year was a bunch of ups and downs, speaking and not speaking to each other, and never really being able to quit liking each other. The time just wasn't right.
Then, this past spring (2010) we started going on "dates" but denying that we were anything but friends. We started sort of dating at the end of that May. How can you "sort of date"? Well, I was moving 1500+ miles away, and we weren't sure if we liked each other enough to try to date long-distance, so we were testing the waters and seeing what God brought our way. A week later (the first week of June) he went out of town for a week. He came over the Saturday at the end of that week to hang out, watch a movie, and have dinner with my family.
My family didn't officially know we were trying to date again, and we had people coming in and out of the game room during the movie, but I had snuggled up next to him and he had his arm around me anyways. It was dark, I was getting tired. He was brushing his fingers along my arm closest to him. I'm not sure I was even paying attention to the movie anymore; I think I was considering letting myself fall asleep right there and wishing I could just stay there for the rest of time. He brushed his fingers up my arm again, to my cheek, and turned my head towards his. He kissed me. It was over before I realized it had actually happened. I sat there for a couple minutes trying to figure out if I was dreaming or if he had really just kissed me, and wishing he'd kiss me again. He did.
That night was the start of two whirlwind weeks before I moved cross-country. We spent some time of every day of the next week together and tried to make every second count. Two days after that first kiss, we decided we had stepped out of the bounds where we could say we weren't dating. After 2 1/2 years, everything seemed to be working out for us--finally. It was that summer that I decided that I loved him. Maybe not lifetime-love kind of love, but we were just starting out, and I thought I could love him like that if given the chance.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Events occurred that were outside of our control over the next 2-3 months, and we ended up breaking up. But a first love is a first love: you never forget it and maybe you never move on completely. And who knows what the future holds for either of us.

Day 05- My top stress-relievers

Believe it or not, cleaning is at the top of my list of stress-relievers. When something is first starting to stress me out you can bet money that my room looks like a tornado went through it (or like a teenager lives in it, whichever); but when I'm at the highest stress point over something you can bet just as much money that my room is sparkling clean (or as clean as it gets without one wall). I had an English teacher that told me once that writers tend to clean anything and everything before sitting down to write, and that's exactly what I do. If my room is a mess I feel like I can't think clearly, and it's probably linked as well to my stress dreams: I'm in a huge warehouse-like room that's covered floor-to-ceiling with random junk, I can't move, I can't think, I'm not sure my dream self is even breathing.

Running is right after cleaning. If cleaning doesn't clear my mind, a 30-minute run certainly will. I don't think about what I'm doing after I run, I don't think about keeping up with the world, I don't think about anything but keeping up with the pace I've set for the next 30 minutes. I think almost all of the time about everything, and running is one of those rare times when I don't really think at all.

Next would be a hot shower. I could live in a hot shower--if it were possible to not turn all wrinkly. I don't know what it is, but life problems solve themselves in the shower.

Beyond that are a handful of things:

• writing: I've kept a journal since I was 8 or 9
• listening to music
• playing piano (unless I've forgotten the particular piece I'm playing; that makes me more stressed)
• reading
• painting
• drawing
• going outside on a warm, sunny day
• and eating chocolate, of course

Day 04- A habit that I wish I didn’t have .

Wow, this one is kind of difficult. I'm a pretty positive person, so I have a hard time seeing negative habits; they're just slightly less positive while still being livable. Sometimes I wish I didn't stay up so late, sometimes I wish I didn't procrastinate, etc. But those aren't really habits, I kind of go through seasons with those things. That's the best I have, though.

Day 03- A picture of me and my friends

Okay, this is going to take quite a few photos...

{Friends from our old church}

{Some of the girls in my small group here}

{"School" friends}

{A couple of my closest friends}

{More youth group friends from here}

 These are the people that have been with me through some tough stuff, who've made life fun, and continue to stick with me.

A quick thought

This week has been one of those weeks where I'm incredibly unthankful because I'm blind to see everything God's blessed me with. But once again, God's shown me where I'm wrong through the words and actions of others.
I can't stop reiterating just how blessed I am by all the things I didn't even see coming in July when I started the car for the drive that eventually brought me here. Everything I thought would be bad has been not simply good, but fantastic, and I can only (happily) blame God for that. Who would've thought that God would use a cross-country move the summer before my senior year, a break-up, and all the muck I was rotting myself in to bring me to the people I needed, to make me into the person I was made to be, and to show me that He's got it all under control? Certainly not I.
But you know what? Praise God for the fact that He's in the driver's seat and I'm not, because the path I would've chosen would've wrecked me in the long run.

Now here comes the hard part:
I am so sorry that I took you for granted, all the people that have loved me and blessed me. I'm not going to try to make excuses about why I felt (and will probably feel again, in the future) that I'm unloved or alone. The only thing I'll say is this: we all feel like a solitary rock once in awhile. When that happens, look up from your storm and see the sunlight around you instead of sitting in the turbulence you make for yourself. It isn't worth getting down and depressed, because you're not alone. Talk to me, talk to someone. We care.

Day 02- The meaning behind my blog name

Well, I have a blog (if you could even call it that) with another site, and it's also Scraps of Thought. I had that one first, and I couldn't think of anything better when I made this blog. But it really fits, because everything I write on this blog is a scrap from my thoughts, or stems from a scrap of my thoughts. And I believe that in putting together all the scraps I post here you get a picture of me, like you get a picture when you put together a puzzle. Granted, it's a picture--not a video or a relationship--so you only get one full side of me; there are different angles you only get glimpses of through this blog.

As for the URL, scrapsofthought and scrapsofme were already taken, so I settled on scrapsofgeorgia 'cause, guess what! I'm Georgia, and these are my scraps.

Day 01- A recent picture of me and 30 interesting facts about myself

1. I'm a senior in high school--in fact, the picture is from the shoot for my senior portraits.

2. I'm the oldest of seven kids; there are five girls and two boys. I wouldn't trade a large family for the world, especially because it doesn't feel large to me.

3. I've never attended a brick-and-mortar school. Twelve grades of successful homeschooling right here. (Did I mention that all of my siblings are homescholed as well?)

4. I have lived in three different states, but moved 6 times between those states.

5. I was a competitive gymnast up until a couple months before my 14th birthday.

6. The reason I quit gymnastics was because I dislocated and broke my elbow--for the second time in three years.

7. I have since moved to dancing: primarily jazz and ballet (no pointe for me, though).

8. I also play piano, and have played for about 10 years.

9. I currently play in my youth group's youth worship band.

10. I have never really used a non-Apple computer in my life. My family is a total Apple nerd family.

11. My favorite TV shows are Bones and Glee.

12. I am absolutely terrified of large spiders. Tiny ones I can deal with. But once that thing gets to be about the diameter of a penny, it's dead and gone. I actually keep an old flip flop in my bathroom now because of all the spiders that tried to set up shop in there over the summer and fall.

13. I live in the basement currently. I don't even have a real room, because my dad is still building the wall. I don't know that it'll be done before I graduate.

14. I love making lists. I love crossing things off of my lists. I put things on my lists that I know won't get  done just to make a longer list.

15. I love to paint. I actually considered majoring in art for awhile because of how much I love to paint. But it's really more of a hobby than anything else, so that major is at the bottom of my list now.

16. I also love clothes. I considered being a fashion designer, too. Again, it's really just a hobby, and a form of self-expression, above all.

17. I have dyed my hair multiple times in high school. In fact, I think this is the first time all the hair on my head has been my natural color since freshman year. I've tried blonde, blonde and red, purple tips, medium brown, auburn-ish, and dark brown. I'm now considering putting some Manic Panic bright red highlights in my hair, because the color turns purple-y as it fades and people almost miss the purple in my hair for how well it goes with my natural color.

18. Most people have several cups of coffee a day--I have tea. Earl grey, preferably, until about 4 PM, when I stop drinking anything really caffeinated.

19. I'm a night owl. That's why I cut the caffeine out at 4, so that maybe I'll have better luck getting myself to bed. My parents both like to stay up late, too. The difference is my dad can consistently get up after 6 hours of sleep while my mom and I can't.

20. I love to read. I have shelves of books I haven't read yet because I love them so much.

21. To go with that, I love to write. And guess what? I've considered majoring in English. And guess what? It's actually still on my list. Sort of. The idea of majoring in English intimidates me.

22. My ideal "job" would be working with under served girls, teaching and raising them, probably in a foreign country. It's something I've only recently discovered pulled at my heart strings, but I feel very strongly called to work with girls, teach, raise a family, and reach out to those less fortunate than me (not to mention I love to travel). As I realized this, I started putting them together, and the above statement is what came out of those things.

23. This is the first time in all my memory that I've truly had my own room.

24. I love to make things. That's easier than listing all the things I like to make as separate points, since it includes: jewelry, gifts, cards, drawings, clothes, etc. Give me craft supplies (or free reign of Michael's and a credit card) and I will make things all day long.

25. I actually really enjoy studying government and economics. As a result, I'm taking an extra semester of high school government and a constitutional law class. Yes, I'm a nerd.

26. I love antique things. I think it has something to do with the history behind the items: I love anything with a story (that includes books and people).

27. I hate wearing socks. And now that I live in the northeast U. S. I have to wear socks for at least 4 solid months of the year to stay warm.

28. I have really tiny wrists. Actually, all parts of my arms are tiny. A good friend of mine recently compared his wrist to my upper arm, and his wrist was bigger. My ears are also abnormally small.

29. Peanut butter and chocolate were a match made in heaven, I could eat it every day. I'm almost certain it's the food of angels. ;)

30. I'm a Christian. I've been raised in a Christian household, but it wasn't until this school year that I really started understanding and owning my faith.

30 Day Challenge

So I saw that my cousin, Sara, is doing this 30 day challenge. Normally I leave things like this well enough alone, but since she's only a couple days ahead of me, I figure I'll have some inspiration to keep up with this one. (Pressure's on, Sara! ;) ) I'll start later today or tomorrow. :)

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 30 interesting facts about yourself.

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
.

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends.

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
.

Day 05- Your top stress-relievers.

Day 06- Your first love and first kiss.

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on you
.

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
.

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days.

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, excited, mad
.

Day 11- Your favorite art piece.

Day 12- Your dream home/location.

Day 13- The most attractive characteristics in the opposite sex.
Day 14- A picture of you and your family.
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
.

Day 16- Describe a style that you had 10 years ago.

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 18- Your thoughts about having children.

Day 19- Upcoming vacation destination(s).

Day 20- Bullet your whole day.

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
.

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 23- Something you crave a lot.

Day 24- Your most embarrassing moment.
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
.

Day 26- Favorite shows.

Day 27- Someone who fascinates you and why.

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?


Day 29- What you’d like to be doing in 10 years.

Day 30- What you’ve learned in the last month.

Call it a well

We all want love, we all desire to be shown we're loved. But we just don't want to step out and show love to other people. It's true what they say, you have to be a friend to make a friend, and it applies to love, too: you have to show love to be shown love.
You can dig a hole, fill it with water, and call it a well, but eventually it'll run out of water. Or you can dig where there's an underground spring and never run out of water. People don't realize that you have to dig where the spring is to get love--you have to work, you have to meet it halfway.

I was venting to my mother about feeling out of place, in limbo, forgotten, or just plain left out:

"I am more than willing to make things for people, write them notes to tell them I appreciate them, and just let them know that I love them--they don't even have to be super close for me to want to do that for them!" I said. "But people don't seem willing to do that for me, to step out and let me know that they love me."

"You mean outside of family?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"That's your husband."

"Can I have him now, please? Not to get married, of course, but to just be friends?" We both chuckled.

Mind you, my friends aren't unloving, they aren't self-centered, or anything else like that. My problem (and simultaneously blessing) is that, for whatever reason, God's given me a heart bigger than my hands. I love and I love strongly. I love as completely as I can. And most people? They aren't ready for that, especially at this age, because it's something different. It's contrary to this world, where selfishness reigns. I'm an old soul, and I've always had these problems.

I hope any friends that read this don't take offense, because I sincerely don't mean to offend, I just mean to share something that shapes me and that maybe people don't think about.

The edge of chaos

"In order for anything novel to come to fruition, an organism must be pushed to the edge of chaos"

"Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die"

It's when we're pushed to the edge of chaos, death of all we know, stripped bare of our securities, that we flourish. We are forced to pick up pieces and create them into something new. The old no longer works, it's no longer acceptable, so we must cut a different path.

This planet seems to understand this. Earth is pushed to the edge of her existence by the chill of fall, and right before the cold snaps her in, she becomes the most beautiful colors. She seems to lie dead and dormant, but the reality is, she's preparing to break free. She's creating something new out of her dry, frosted skin and heavy bones. The moment she breaks through the ice, out of death, is the moment spring begins.

Somehow, we have to snap out of our own dead bones. We can try and try to refresh ourselves, but try as we might we can't do it alone. There's only one breath to breathe if we're going to push through this wall of chaos to the eye of the storm.

Loving others

"The second most important commandment is like this one. And it is: 'Love others as much as you love yourself.'"

-Matthew 22:39 (CEV) 

I am really struggling right now with loving others. I struggle when I'm feeling forgotten or left out; I struggle when I'm really annoyed with someone--I struggle almost all the time. And this problem I have with loving people keeps being brought before me by God. I try to read my Bible on a nightly basis, because that seems to be when I absorb and write best, and for two or three nights in a row the verses I happened to flip to had to do with loving others. I find it humorous, as well, because they're all verses I've marked in the past. Apparently I'm too stubborn to learn the lesson the first time around--I'm human.

But being human is no excuse when I claim to follow a faith that is about love, when you boil it down. Colossians 3:12-14 says:

"God loves you and has chosen you as His own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek, and patient. Put up with each other and forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you. Love is more important than anything. It is what ties everything completely together."

 I can put up with people pretty well, I think, but no matter how much I put up with someone, I have a hard time forgiving them their faults. It's the petty things I can't forgive, things like wearing shorts that are a little too short or singing off key or liking the same guy I do. And I hardly ever leave room for change. I peg someone once in a negative light and I have a hard time changing the bulb.

Lately, though, God's been shorting my circuits and leaving my lights nothing to run on, forcing me to change things. Case in point: I was venting my frustrations and un-love of someone to my mother recently, and I realized that my brother was visibly upset that I was doing so. I realized, mid-sentence, that if my big focus lately has been trying to see people in better light, that that applies to all people and not just a certain few. I realized that I needed to close my trap and work on my heart. Let me tell you, though, I am mentally digging my heels in, going down kicking and screaming. I'm human.

All this talk of loving others has reminded me of the chapter Forgiveness in C. S. Lewis's Mere Christianity, where Lewis talks about what it means to love your neighbor as yourself:

"Now that I come to think of it, I have not exactly got a feeling of fondness or affection for myself, and I do not even always enjoy my own society. So apparently 'Love your neighbor' does not mean 'feel fond of him' or 'find him attractive'. . . Do I think well of myself, think myself a nice chap? Well, I am afraid I sometimes do (and those are, no doubt, my worst moments) but that is not why I love myself. In fact, it is the other way round: my self-love makes me think myself nice, but thinking myself nice is not why I love myself. So loving my enemies does not apparently mean thinking them nice either. . . In my most clear-sighted moments not only do I not think myself a nice man, but I know that I am a very nasty one. . . So apparently I am allowed to loathe and hate some of the things my enemies do. . . hate the sin but not the sinner. . . [It] occurred to me that there was one man to whom I had been doing this all my life--namely myself. . . There had never been the slightest difficulty about it. In fact the very reason why I hated the things was that I loved the man. . . Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment--even to death. . . Even while we kill and punish we must try to feel about the enemy as we feel about ourselves--to wish that he were not bad, to hope that he may, in this world or another, be cured: in fact, to wish his good. That is what is meant in the Bible by loving him: wishing his good, not feeling fond of him nor saying he is nice when he is not. . .

Perhaps it makes it easier if we remember that that is how He loves us. Not for any nice, attractive qualities we think we have, but just because we are the things called selves. For really there is nothing else in us to love: creatures like us who actually find hatred such a pleasure that to give it up is like giving up beer or tobacco... "

This isn't the whole chapter--and I suggest reading not only this chapter, but the entire book--but I feel like this gives a pretty full picture of what Lewis covered in the last 4-5 pages. Re-reading it just now has definitely hit me differently, now that loving others is a focus of mine. Somehow, I find it easier to think people nice and harder to wish their good. Can you even think someone is nice without wishing their good? I don't think so. Maybe that's why I'm defensive and prickly about loving others: I'd rather punish them by withdrawing my love than wish that they were good.

And all along, I'm bemoaning to myself that I feel forgotten, unloved, passed over, or ignored. I can only receive what I give, right?

Lent and this blog

Well, today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of 46 days of giving up and taking on habits in order to grow closer to God. It's a season of change, and as part of that change I'm going to change up this blog a little bit.

I've used this as a place to write a little creatively, a little personally, and a little about day-to-day life--but always about my own change and growth. Now I'm going to open this up to friends and family a little. I've written and posted some very personal things in the past, and I expect everyone to respect those things while keeping in mind that those issues are in the past. I also ask that everyone that reads this blog respect that this is a personal space, where I can work out the kinks of life. I don't write to start fights; I write to understand by means of seeing the words laid out and to connect with people over similar feelings or experiences. I'm not going to hide that which has helped to shape me.

Moving on.

I have four major things I'm focusing on this Lenten season:

• Changing my sleeping habits (to make better use of my time)
• Exercising regularly (to take care of myself)
• Spending more time reading (and writing about) the Bible (to understand whom and what I believe in)
• Loving more (because I'm guilty of picking and choosing who I love and who I don't)

Now what does this blog have to do with all this? Well, by opening up my writing to people closely familiar with me, I have to change the nature of my posts a little bit. And as part of the Bible studying I'm taking on for Lent I'm going to use this blog as a vessel for the related writings.

With this, I conclude this hodgepodge-y post: good luck to everyone as you set out on or continue your own journeys.

SOS

It's easy to put up walls and push people away. It's easy to disappear and cease existing to the world for a few hours. It's easy to be a solitary rock jutting into the sea as wave after wave crashes against you.

But all of these things are simply a silent scream for someone to be sincere. They're a plea for someone to care enough to carefully strip away your tough exterior. It's a wish for a lighthouse to reach out and draw you safely in.

Because it's hard to let down defenses when you've been burned so many times you can't really feel anymore. It's hard to love first when you're love has been thrown away before.

But people can't read minds. You can't be healed or helped until you admit you're drowning.

So send up your SOS.

Refresh

It's like March comes and I suddenly have a life. In reality it's just that I know people and have friends here now, but I like to think it's part of this whole awakening in my life right now.

I'm sitting up and shaking off old leaves, like I'm some sort of Rip Van Winkle. I hope it's not blasphemous to say that it's like a curtain has been torn, because a barrier of some sort has been removed. And what better timing, than the beginning of spring when everything dead is coming to life, in the year that I start something new.

It's like life has been a series of new beginnings, lately. I stopped questioning them and simply took them with open hands and wide eyes of wonderment. That's not to say that I'm greedy, I'm just thankful that I've been given exactly what I didn't know I needed.

I'm soaking life up through my skin, stretching my fingertips to the edges of my world and expanding my lungs to hold all that I discover. I'm gulping and swallowing with the eagerness of a child in love with a world made new every morning. I hope I never lose this fascination with life, my desire to see and do and be everything possible.

Everything is refreshing like a glass of water after a run and bright like after a rain when you're looking for the rainbow. And that's exactly where I'm at right now; the floods have come and gone and there's a promise of new life hanging in the air. I can see in colors in a world that's colorblind. I can paint by numbers while everyone else sees black and white. Someone has to teach the world to see, and why not me, when I've been given a palette and brushes? Someone has to teach the world to breath, and why not me, when my lungs are teeming with life?

It's time to wake up the walking corpses and make something beautiful with this refresh.

Beautiful mess

I have all these bits of inspiration in my head but every time I sit down to let them flow out of my fingers I have technical difficulties, probably somewhere around my shoulder. I have all these words to say and no way to say them. I feel like I'm talking but no sound is coming out. What am I even trying to say? Do I even know? I have such a mess in my mind right now. It's all lines, shadow, and life. It's like a used painter's palette, with colors swirled and splashed together. It's a beautiful mess.

That's what life is, a beautiful mess; but we rarely see the beauty for all the mess. We see clashes and tangles instead of mixing and merging. What if knots were beautiful? What if all our gashes and bleeding wounds were beautiful? What if?

What if, instead of dwelling on the scarring mess of things, we tried to plant new seeds in our piles of dirt? What if we took the old and made it into something new? What if?

What if, instead of standing strong and solitary like lighthouses, we came together? What if we became a community blooming into a beautiful garden? What if we let beauty come from our pain?

It'd be a glorious thing if we could do that.

But being a community that grows together means sharing our weaknesses, fears, and pain. That's the problem, the first step. The first step is admitting you have a problem. That's how it always works, with anything.

It'd be a glorious thing if we could do that.