These feelings

I know these feelings--the feeling of defeat before you even begin, the feeling of being in a whirlpool, the feeling of being stuck, the feeling of wanting to give up already--I met them in November. They aren't nice feelings. They make life difficult, make engaging the world tiresome, and make the whole world look grey. I am not a grey person. I am vibrant. I am strong. I am happy. I am not going back to a dull, dead world. I don't want to be sucked in again.

I think it's change, or impending change, that does this to me. It happened when I moved here, then felt alone and defeated by everything. It's happening now, when I'm 12 days away from graduating (albeit 4 weeks from finishing classes), with mountains of due-dates for homework looming in front of me, with college drawing nearer and nearer, and other little changes occurring.

I thought I was doing alright with everything, until I realized that my big paper for economics (that I've known about all semester) is due on Friday--and I still hadn't started it. Then I realized that I had a French paper due on April 30th--and didn't have enough time to finish it before the deadline. Then I realized--at 1:00 this morning--that I was supposed to be giving a presentation in French class today, when I thought it was next week. And guess what? I hadn't made the presentation yet. I didn't sleep well last night because of that presentation.

I emailed my teacher, Madame S, this morning when I woke up, and she kindly moved my presentation to next week instead of giving me the big ol' zero I probably deserve. I still haven't submitted my paper from the 30th, but she gave me an extension for that as well, though I didn't ask. My economics paper is only 4 pages long, double spaced. I'm ahead on all other economics homework. I don't have anywhere to go today. It's warm(er) and a little sunny this afternoon. I'm wearing a new romper. My laundry is clean. I got 100% on the spoken part of my French test today. I got a lovely card in the mail from some friends that brightened my morning, even though it's to say they can't attend my graduation. My desk area is a little bit more organized. And Manchester Orchestra's new album, Simple Math, is available for streaming. Which makes up a little for not being able to go to their show on Friday.

Don't let yourself get defeated before you begin. It isn't worth it. Keep your chin up. It's a good day.