Rebound

I'm a firm believer in doing what I want, acting from the heart, and speaking my mind. I don't let people hold me back and I don't conform to what's expected or the "norm". I like shocking people. That's why I've colored my hair crazy colors, that's part of why I chopped it off, and part of why I do quite a few things. I like making people uncomfortable and aware of how stubborn and different I am. Of course, that's not my only reason for my actions, but it's a big one.

But speaking my mind and being straightforward gets me into trouble sometimes, too. Tonight is one of those nights when my stomach rolls and I get chills and my mind just doesn't stop. It's the kind of night when I'm likely to pull out my phone and text someone I shouldn't and say something I'll regret in the morning.

(The Dr. Pepper I had probably isn't helping, I'm too awake to even think about sleeping. Neither does the fact that in the last 2 days I've watched Tangled twice, Dirty Dancing, and 10 Things I Hate About You--hello, mushy, gushy, lovey-dovey, I-want-a-boyfriend feelings.)

But tonight's one of those nights that also pulls me back around to one of my problems: I'm entirely too focused right now on near-sighted things, instead of the long-term. And I don't mean long-term like college or a career. I mean the spiritual long-term.

Right now, I'd rather be stuck in my rut, treading old roads that don't seem to hold anything for me, than to be turning to God. It's very purposeful. I'm purposefully ignoring God's calls and being difficult to love because I'd rather have my plastic pearls instead of the real deal.

Before that, I used God. I was hiding from my life and my problems in Him. Sure, some legitimate growth occurred during that time, but I've hit a plateau now. It's like a rebound relationship: I ran to Him because I had nothing else and now I'm finding that I wasn't fully invested in the relationship, just invested in running from everything else and having a safe zone.

Now I'm out in the open again and needing to make a choice. Currently, I'm "going with the flow" and choosing no decision as my decision. I'm letting myself be whipped around by the current of the near-sighted things that ultimately probably don't matter along with the things I was running from to begin with. It's like God said, "Georgia, you can't run forever, you have to face those things." Then picked me up, turned me around, and gave me an encouraging push to face my demons, as it were.

Some of them, I've faced: I made a final college decision--signed the papers, put down the deposit, all that; I'm getting graduation plans under control; I let an old friend back in my life. Some of them, I still can't face, because I'm letting myself get in over my head and focus on things I shouldn't.

I have a confession: I yearn for one primary thing: to be loved completely, fully, truly, and deeply; I am very scared of one thing: being given a love that is all it claims to be, no strings attached, no backing out.

So I am a glutton for punishment. I go for the cheaper love, what will hurt me, instead of holding on with two hands to God and the love He gives that is so obviously what I need.

I'm feeling like the girl with the plastic pearls.

I don't know how to deal with this.

I don't know how to let go, I don't know how to fix broken relationships, I don't know how to forget, and I don't know how to love. I don't know how to let God fix me.