I seem to be exceptionally good at forming bad habits. Especially when it comes to sleep. Especially when it comes to everything.
I feel like I’ve turned my life completely upside down. I’ve shaken myself to empty all my pockets of all my securities. Everything is backwards, twisted, tied, knotted, reversed—you name it.
I have no sense of normalcy now. My mind feels like the world’s biggest knot, I can’t even grasp what’s going on half the time it seems. There’s always something lurking at the edge.
I kind of want someone to force normalcy down my throat. I want someone to make me go to bed at a decent hour and get up at a reasonable time. I want someone to make sure I get everything done. I want someone to make me three meals a day. What happened to my self-motivation?
I could break down and cry right now.
What’s wrong with me?
Why does everything crash on me at night when I’m alone? Why couldn’t I share all this twisted feeling with my counselor?
I have an automatic go-to response to people: I laugh, I smile, I act “normal”. What is normal, though? No one would ever know that something is wrong. I hide it all. I always have. I always will.
I am broken. I am screwed-up. I am scared. I am lonely. I am angry. I am sad. I am lazy. I am stressed. I am disorganized. I am growing up. I am alone. I am everything I don’t want to be. I am everything I don’t want people to see.
I am my own bad habit.
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