11:04 PM

"You're getting sadder, sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder. And I don't understand, and I don't understand."

-Better, Regina Spektor 

Maybe this is why I've been distancing myself from everyone. It hurts like all heck when people decide that they don't want you anymore, when they hand you your trust back packaged all nicely in rejection. It's easier to never make connections, to never entangle your heart so it can't be wrung out and hung up to dry. You never have to worry about rejection, sorrow, or feeling lonely--you won't have anyone to reject you, to make you feel sorry, or to give a contrast to loneliness.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

-C. S. Lewis

 I'm tired of being lonely, of wanting someone to write letters to, to hold hands with, to snuggle, to talk to, to be close to. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of feeling like crying. I'm tired of everything.

I'm tired of resolving to be better, tougher, smarter, just overall more desirable. I'm tired of telling myself, "You'll show him, you'll make him sorry. You're ten steps ahead of him, maybe even a hundred."

All of this belly-aching, self-pity, loneliness will be the death of me if I let it get the best of me. This stops now, because I don't need it.