In youth group on Sunday we talked about feeling loved and appreciated, and how difficult it can be to feel like we actually have some worth to anyone. I sat there and recognized the feeling being described, but the only thought in my mind was, "Pff, that's not me now, I have no problem feeling loved and appreciated and of worth." I simply brushed it off. But as I listened more, I realized that that place of feeling unloved, not appreciated, and without worth was right where I was standing; even more than that, I realized I had been standing there for awhile.
I have never had a problem with comparing myself to other females, at any age; I have never felt ugly, fat, too thin, or like I was never enough. I do not think I ever felt unloved at any point in my childhood. I have an idea of where I could trace the beginnings of feeling of not being appreciated to, where I started feeling like I was not loved; but it is not worth discussing specifics. I will leave it at this: someone came into my life and I felt like I was constantly in their shadow, when I should never have felt in competition with them.
But most recently, someone has pulled themselves--if only temporarily--out of my life, and that has been the catalyst for reviving my feelings of inadequacy. I am usually independent: I do not live off of validation from other people; but when someone very important in your life suddenly disappears from it, I do not see how you can keep from feeling even a little worthless. I have been expecting this event (let us call it the "Expected Event") to happen for nearly two months; in fact, the more I think about it, the more precisely I can pinpoint when I realized this would happen, even if it was only a subconscious realization. But that expectation does not lessen the feeling of being unloved, it does not decrease how unappreciated I feel, and it certainly does not boost my sense of worth. Actually, that expectation has made the blow perhaps a little worse in certain matters.
Let us add a move into the mixture. While I moved before the Expected Event, I still had not made substantial friendships before being punched in the stomach. The people I had in my corner were, in fact, what seemed like a completely different corner of the globe; I had no one in my corner here. I take that back; my mother, my father, and my next two siblings (J and C) were in my corner. But even with such wonderful support (C offered to call the offending person and verbally beat them down for me; I think all four of them would have done so if I had asked), I cannot help but feel out of place, alone, unappreciated, worthless, and even a tad unloved.
But since Sunday, that has slowly changed. At youth group we divide into age groups and gender; due to number of attendants, the junior and senior girls are put into one group. That group, my group, is the best group I could have asked for (if I had known to ask); we all struggle with school, boys, parents, and the culture we are living in, but we all pull together and support each other, too. We have only met three times, but I have a feeling that this group of girls could be the closest group of friends I have this year. Then on Monday, an old friend posted the simplest thing on my Facebook wall: I love you. On Tuesday another friend--completely separate from the first--texted me and told me she hoped I would have a good day and that she loves me.
In the worst of these lows, God always sends some of the most random or unexpected people to comfort me, people that probably do not even realize what I am going through. So while I may feel in instances that even God does not love me, those people are my proof otherwise.
No comments:
Post a Comment