Being in Love

“Being in love [is] the explosion that [starts]” (109) a marriage, like the key turned in the ignition sparks the battery to life. But the “engine of marriage” (109) runs on a different love, like a car does not run on the juice of its battery but on the fuel in its tank. The state of “being in love” (109) is “glorious” (108) and “good for us” (108) because it inspires us towards noble traits, such as generosity, courage, and overall selflessness, and it “opens our eyes” (108) to the beauty around us. While “being in love is a good thing” (108) we cannot stop there and remain content. Being in love sparks a fire but even the strongest fire eventually burns low and dies, in which case we need to understand a higher love.

The Greek language has multiple words for love, but two in particular apply to “being in love” (109) and the love that forms a “deep unity” (109). The first, eros, means “desire” in ancient Greek and describes a romantic love akin to “being in love” (109), and the other, agape, describes an unconditional love like we find in marriage. Because God made humans to “be combined together in pairs” (104) as one entity we often desire and search for that unity, and stumble into eros: a wild and uninhibited form of love. But as our eros continues a quieter and more constant love begins to form; this love is “maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit” (109). This constant agape love is not so much an emotion (like eros) but a dedication that comes from a purposeful attitude of will.

My mother and father have this agape-like dedication to each other. They started their relationship with a passionate eros love for each other that burned like a raging fire, but through the years an agape love has formed underneath like smoldering embers. The eros has not left entirely, just as the ability to flame up has not left banked coals. The concept of eros versus agape is important for Christians to remember during the process of dating. If we do not remember this we will build our relationships solely on emotions that can fade without the support of dedication and unconditional love. A relationship built on the shifting sands of emotions is bound for failure when we wake up without warm and fuzzy feelings.

(Quotes taken from C. S. Lewis's Mere Christianity)