It's ironic, almost truly humorous, what it takes for me to let go of something. This time it took what I can only describe as undeserved anger and a virtual slap in the face. I finally stepped back and let myself fully recognize what was going on. I always hoped--now I see it as unrealistically--that that time wasn't the end, and neither is this time, we'll pull through it somehow. Now I realize what everyone else has seen so clearly. I saw it, I just didn't want to. I lived in an alternate reality. I heard only what I wanted; I saw other things but bent them to fit my paradigm. Now--oh, now--I am done. I deserve better that to fool myself. I deserve better than to let this trend continue.
I was always so scared of letting this, you, go. I was afraid that I would practically give away something magnificent, a treasure to keep jealous watch over. That's exactly what I've been doing: keeping a jealous watch over you. I don't share nicely, not you. Now I see that I should have let you leave a long time ago. I'm not losing the priceless piece of treasure I thought I was. You have your moments of gold--we all do--but over the years that's slowly chipped off like the novelty of a new toy as a child. I just refused to realize it, I kept painting it back on in my mind. You're rusted and need shining. I'm rusted, too. But if we try to shine each other--sandpaper against sandpaper doesn't work.
It's not that you're a "bad" person; it's not that I'm a "bad" person. We just don't fit like I thought we did, like we thought we did. We tried and no one can blame us for that. This--us--just doesn't work.
I finally deleted that "I love you."
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