Do you have a plan?

I had an appointment with the pediatrician yesterday morning. I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday.

The appointment with the pediatrician was wholly pointless and disappointing. He told us that since depression is not his area of expertise he would not prescribe medicine, the most he would do is talk with me and maybe refer me to a psychiatrist. So I talked. I wanted to be anywhere but there; it was easy to tell he did not feel comfortable talking with me. I resented every word he said. He couldn't say anything new.

I wanted to jump up off the table and shout, "I AM NOT STUPID. I KNOW THE SIGNS OF DEPRESSION. MY OWN MOTHER SUFFERED FROM DEPRESSION RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I DO NOT NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT IS GOOD AND BAD ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME. I KNOW ALREADY!"

I didn't go to find out if I had the signs of depression; I didn't go to hear him tell me that socialization is good or that moving is a major life change. I may be seventeen but I'm not naïve and I'm not stupid. I've already searched on the internet to inform myself. I already took surveys.

Everything and everyone asks me, "Do you have a plan for harming yourself?"

I don't know, do I? What constitutes "having a plan"?

I'm going to be painfully honest now, and say that yes, I have seriously thought of harming myself. I've had thoughts like this since I was about 12 years old. I've thought about purposefully overdosing; I've thought about drowning myself; I've thought about slitting my wrists. But what, I ask, is the difference between (seriously) considering these things and "having a plan"? Is there any difference?

Because, if I say "no" it sounds like my "situation" is not that bad; yet, if I say "yes" it almost sounds more serious than it is.


I'm tired of all of this, to be completely honest. I want to go to sleep and melt into my bed. I want to disappear. Who would even miss me?